MontClairVoyant: You’ll Quail at These Quirky Quips, Quotes, Queries and Quibbles

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MontClairVoyant

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Montclair residents: “Overbuilding is hurting our town! Developers are not being community-minded!” Developers: “Oh! Sorry, we’ll stop.”

Sincerely,

J.R.R. Spoken

Dialog from the next great fantasy writer!

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Parents: “We should attend June 7’s Board of Education meeting to demand more info on all those staff cuts.” Gov. Christie: “Bwahaha! My funding policies helped cause those cuts. More charter schools! More charter schools!”

Sincerely,
Cy Finning-Money

That’s even scarier than Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Lackawanna Plaza Architectural Renderings.”


DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Donald Trump and Betsy DeVos: “You ain’t seen nothing until OUR public-education cuts filter down to the local level.” Gov. Christie: “I’m in love!”

Sincerely,
Smooch Central

Is this a “Dona Flor and Her Two Husbands” sequel?

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Attention diverter: “The iris gardens! Bloom season!” Attendance questioner: “Will you be at June 7’s BOE meeting, Montclairvoyant guy?”

Sincerely,
Presby and Press

I attend many BOE meetings, but my daughter may have a make-up softball game that evening during this rainout-marred season. Say, is the bat you’re holding signed by Betsy “Big Hurt” DeVos?


DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Memorabilia maven: “Ooh…a collectible!” Ghost of George Inness: “Why wasn’t at least one of Mayor Jackson’s three BOE appointees last year a Montclair Cares About Schools member or other strong foe of misnamed education ‘reform’?”

Sincerely,
Mourning Has Broken

The mayor does support this MCAS: Massive Construction at Seymour.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Upper Montclairites: “Let’s hear from our congressman!” Rodney Frelinghuysen: “Hi! I voted for Trumpcare, which a May 24 CBO report said would kick 14 million people off insurance next year. Proud to be a Republican!”

Sincerely,
Cruel Is Not Cool

CBO stands for the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office and, hopefully, Congressman Booted Out in 2018.


DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Quip quantifier: “Enough acronym wordplay!” Puzzled politico: “For the June 6 primary, why did BlueWaveNJ endorse threw-around-his-money-to-help-get-support Phil Murphy over a more liberal Democrat?”

Sincerely,
Jon Corzine’s Playbook

And the multimillionaire Murphy worked for Goldman Sachs, which has been called a “vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity.” Luckily, there’s no MFEE toast for squids.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Hypocrisy hater: “Many politicians are willing to send citizens into needless wars despite they and their children usually avoiding military service themselves.” Interpretation seeker: “Your message is?”

Sincerely,
Battle Him of the Republic

On Memorial Day, Montclair was right to honor the brave people who died. But national “leaders” must stop creating new deaths to memorialize.


DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Humor police: “You write a comedic column, but that reply wasn’t funny.” Person who called the humor police: “Yeah, this bozo just got serious on us. Seize him! Seize him!”

Sincerely,
A, B, Seize

Okay, back to humor. A Montclair liberal and a Nutley conservative walk into a bar and quickly agree: “Ouch! We should duck our heads in the playground.”


DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Event evaluator: “Montclair’s great African-American Parade and Festival is this Saturday, June 3!” Fiction fan: “Ralph Ellison’s posthumously published novel is ‘Juneteenth’!”

Sincerely,
N. Visibleman

And June is mentioned in this column’s next/final question. As meal servers urged to apply to Veggie Heaven were advised: “Wait for it!”


DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Sixth calendar page: “‘May in Montclair’ is over, but it’s June on Jefferson Place!” Seventh calendar page: “Then why was Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence signed in July?”

Sincerely,
The Dates of Wrath

All calendars are created equal. Except the ones that talk.


Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

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