Rhododendron Massacre on Ridgewood Ave.

GREP* Blotter, 12/9/04, 11:30 a.m.

A group of unsuspecting native rhododendrons (Rhododendron maximum) were Rhododendron_massacre20041209_0004_2viciously attacked this week in Glen Ridge and their mutilated limbs dumped unceremoniously curbside along Ridgewood Avenue. Due to budgetary constraints, the GREP* had insufficient police tape to cordon off the crime scene, exposing the gruesome remains to public view. No suspects have as yet been identified, although it is rumored that a landscape crew may have been in the area at the time. A few hacked off limbs of Taxus were also spotted in the horrid pile, but escaped notice: mutilation of yews on Ridgewood Avenue is so common as to not be considered a crime in this locale.

*Glen Ridge Environmental Police

Filed by Pat Tratebas, drive-by shootist and reporter on the suburban landscape.