Not Quite ‘Sex & the City’

Dont_ask A little over a year ago, yours truly found herself newly single after a long-term relationship went south.  To say things have changed in the world of dating is putting it mildly. These days, everyone is "internet dating." This is a chance to get your picture in a place where millions of eligible guys can see you and decide you’re the woman of their dreams. At least this is how it’s supposed to work.

I signed up for something called eHarmony because a friend of mine raved about it. After killing an hour filling out the "personality profile" ("The eHarmony Personality Profile begins the exciting journey toward finding your true love") you post the most flattering photo you can find, and pray you don’t "match" with a serial killer.

There weren’t many "matches" left, after I had discarded Mr. Too Far Away, Mr. Too Old and Mr. Too Ugly, and I was a bit depressed. But then I remembered an internet date-from-hell story from a friend at work. She was barely five minutes into dinner with a very handsome investment banker, before he informed her that he "would require his wife to have six kids to help further the white race."  I kid you not.

I did go out with a couple of men I met on eHarmony, but in the end, it wasn’t harmonious and I bailed.

But I’m not giving up. This past week I was thrilled to get a jury duty summons.  Another opportunity to meet Mr. Right!

We hope Mr. Right isn’t sitting behind the defense table, Pam. This is Pam’s first column about the local dating scene.

Click here to sign up for Baristanet's free daily emails and news alerts.

31 COMMENTS

  1. I’m not ashamed (though I probably should be) to admit that I am looking forward to Pam’s reports from the front. I can’t think of anybody I’d rather have out there as my eyes and ears. I haven’t dated for more than 20 years, and even back then I wasn’t very good at it. Though like most married middle aged men I do habor fantasies (not that kind–or rather not only that kind) of being, you know, uh… well, never mind. Over to you, Pam…

  2. She was barely five minutes into dinner with a very handsome investment banker, before he informed her that he “would require his wife to have six kids to help further the white race.”?
    yikes. like a scene out of American Psycho, minus the gore.

  3. Twenty-one years ago, as a divorced career gal, I answered a personals ad in the Washingtonian magazine (I was a lobbyist there at the time). I kissed more than a few frogs (nothing scary like the investment banker although there was a Secret Service agent who carried a gun). After answering about ten or twelve ads, I was about at the end of my rope when I answered an ad from a recently divorced guy who was looking primarily for a bridge partner. Eighteen months later we were married and we just celebrated our 19th anniversary. So hang in there and take a few chances — you might get as lucky as I did!

  4. I have to agree with MontclairMom–hang in there and take a few chances. The week before my 30th birthday, my fiance (whom I now know was totally wrong for me) told me he could not go through with getting married (and he never did, according to the grapevine he still lives with Mom at the age of 46). So I started answering personal ads on a now-defunct service. I went out with quite a few duds and weirdos. One night I almost canceled a drinks date with someone I’d spoken with–the guy from the previous date had spent two hours telling me how smart he was and I wasn’t in the mood for another disaster. But I decided that it wouldn’t be fair to cancel on such short notice–and luckily I went through with it. Eight months later Mr. Drinks Date and I were engaged and we just returned from a trip to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary. So no, don’t give up..it may just happen. Good luck!

  5. Yes, yes, good luck, Pam, and godspeed. But please don’t find Mr. Right too quickly. Let’s get a few postings out of it first.

  6. They say money and love will follow when you immerse yourself in something you’re passionate about. I met the love of my life through my running club. Ironically, I wasn’t even looking for a boyfriend at the time. When you least expect it….
    I am STILL waiting for the $$$ to find me, however.:-) LOL

  7. Like you, I am back ‘out there’ dating again after 14 years of wedded bliss. Thankfully, I kept my sense of humor in the divorce settlement….. sure has come in handy in the dating arena. My recent dating experiences are proof that truth, indeed, is funnier than fiction… As long as I keep smiling, I figure it isn’t all that bad. I’m looking forward to more of your postings.

  8. Pam, remember this, the people who positively revel in jury duty, who love being on juries and in fact according to lawyers I’ve talked to do get selected the most, are retirees. And civil servants elsewhere.

  9. Another testimony here to the power of the personal ad– I met my beloved husband of nearly 15 years the same way.

  10. My experience is when you “are NOT looking”, such as Miss Martta describes, IT happens. Some kind of metaphysical law I think.
    Personally, I wanted to marry my dog Fredreika – the true love of my life – but I think it’s illegal in New Jersey.
    A dog never looks at you and says “You’ve gained a few pounds”, or “I hate the way you eat crackers in bed” etc., have you noticed that? – could teach humans a bit about LOVE. (She was, however, a Wet Kisser) Fred’s in doggie heaven now and looking over me I hope. Pam – we will enjoy your ADVENTURES!

  11. Well dogs are good and all (and cats too Cathar), but when it comes time to shake off this mortal coil, I don’t think a dog will hold your hand, stroke your hair, kiss your forehead and help you across that threshold in quite the same way.

  12. Quaker Oats, you sound like a man after my own heart! 🙂
    If I hadn’t met Mr. Right, I would have happily retired to New Hampsire or Vermont with a Lab or two. Not for a formal wedding ceremony, mind you, but just to live out my remaining days in a bucolic setting with a creature who gave me unconditional love.

  13. Quaker Oats, you sound like a man after my own heart! 🙂
    If I hadn’t met Mr. Right, I would have happily retired to New Hampshire or Vermont with a Lab or two. Not for a formal wedding ceremony, mind you, but just to live out my remaining days in a bucolic setting with a creature who gave me unconditional love.

  14. Uh, er, Miss Martta, I reread quakeroats’s post, and there’s nothing in there that securely indicates gender. Have you ever read “My Dog Tulip?” It’s by a guy named J.R. Ackerley, a minor Brit literary figure from the 30’s and 40’s, and I think I recently saw a paper copy at the Montclair Book Center. His prose will give you all the wet, sloppy kisses you could imagine. Far too many, maybe.
    ROC, I don’t “expect” affection from cats, so when I get it, it’s nice. I expect cool, and philosophy sublimely expressed as movement, or lack thereof. Extreme lack thereof the older and more logy and lazy they get.
    Pam, I wish you well on your quest. Even if there’s no Galahad at the end, the journey should be fun.

  15. I can’t tell if my cat looks at me with disdain or an empty head….
    either way I likes the critter.

  16. Cather: Well, since Frederika is a feminine name, I just assumed Quaker Oats was a male but, I could be wrong. You never know in Baristaville.

  17. (Pam, I wish you well on your quest. Even if there’s no Galahad at the end, the journey should be fun.)
    cathar that sounds almost…zen-like.

  18. Actually, Pam, I was thinking of a song of Loreena McKennitt’s when I wrote that (the one about the night train across the Caucasus). But you’ll still probably have a lot of fun the next few months.

  19. So the bottom line is skip the internet scene and either answer personal ads, do something you really like or do nothing at all?
    Just glad I’m not a teenager anymore!

  20. So the bottom line is skip the internet scene and either answer personal ads, do something you really like or do nothing at all?
    Just glad I’m not a teenager anymore!

  21. “Latebloomer, are you trying to spoil my breakfast tomorrow?”
    I am sincerely sorry, Chris. That kind of image could wreak havoc on the digestive system.

  22. Quaker-oats wrote-
    “My experience is when you “are NOT looking”, such as Miss Martta describes, IT happens. Some kind of metaphysical law I think.”
    True, I would say that when you’re in a more self-sufficient, serene space, you’re not sending out those needy, desperate vibes and you’re much more attractive.
    On the other hand, there is great power in intention. If you visualize the kind of person you want and imagine, in great detail, the two of you having this incredible life together, I believe you can help manifest it. Our thoughts do have great power.
    And then go out there and connect, whether it be by Internet or mutual interest, and make it happen.

  23. Pam, I am with you! I have tried every dating site under the sun and now I have enough material to write a best seller. I swear! I don’t believe in “it will happen when you least expect it” anymore. You’ve got to be in the right environment at the right time. I am about to give up and adopt a child on my own. French school teacher, single for too long.

  24. Pam, I am with you! I have tried every dating site under the sun and now I have enough material to write a best seller. I swear! I don’t believe in “it will happen when you least expect it” anymore. You’ve got to be in the right environment at the right time. I am about to give up and adopt a child on my own. French school teacher, single for too long.

  25. Looking forward to your column.
    Montclair needs a “meeting place” for mid-aged singles(40’s).. No REAL coffee houses where people can just “hang”, listen to music,play board games.. etc.
    Any ideas?
    Beth
    .

  26. Godspeed, Pam. Looking forward to reading more about your (mis)adventures. I, too, hope you don’t meet Mr. Right any time soon. Having dated and kissed a few too many frogs both before and after my divorce I don’t have the stomach or lips for it any more. I’ll just sit back and enjoy the dating scene vicariously. It’s healthier that way in more ways than one!

  27. I initially just wanted to note my curiosity to know more about Pam. But I also was thinking along the same lines as Beth, that this town isn’t an easy place for middle-age singles to meet, particularly those of us without children.

  28. “that this town isn’t an easy place for middle-age singles to meet, particularly those of us without children.”
    So true. When I was single, I had the same problem. I don’t really have anything against kids, it’s just that I don’t have that much in common with parents of young children. Now I’m not speaking for all of them, but the majority of the time, their conversation was very kid-centered.

Comments are closed.