I Know What You Did At Edgemont Park

If you have a nanny, someone may be trying to tell you something. From the letters section of the Montclair Times

I was taking my usual walk in Edgemont Park on Wednesday, Sept. 20, at about 11:15 a.m. when to my horrified gaze I saw a nanny dragging a child by her upper arm back to the playyard area.
The child looked like a rag doll hanging from her arm. The child was about 13-18 months and apparently one of a twin who had escaped her charge.

Surprise! The nanny was on the cell phone and not initially aware of the runaway child.
I spoke very sharply to the child caregivers who were standing at the entrance to the playyard, telling them how dangerous it was to drag a child in this manner. The child and the caregiver are apparently within walking distance of Edgemont.
Mothers and fathers both have to work today in this economy. However, please speak to your caregivers to pre-vent this kind of abuse.
JOANNE STIVALE
Montclair

Stivale isn’t the only one paying attention. There’s a whole blog devoted to nanny watching.


I Saw Your Nanny started this summer. Here’s their mission…

We will be posting your reports of nanny sightings on this blog. So often mothers and other nannies have commented that they wished they had an avenue to contact the parent of a child they saw being mistreated by the nanny. We want to be that resource.

Already mentioned in the New York Times, the blog gets reports of what appears to be real abuse along with “I saw the nanny give the child soda.” Fortunately, for the many wonderful nannies out there, there is a “nanny of the week” feature, where posters can report positive sightings as well.

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86 COMMENTS

  1. This is not 100% true:-
    ” Mothers and fathers both have to work today in this economy ” …..
    Many both work to afford a Mercedes instead of a Buick, or to afford country club membership or the Tag Hauer timepiece or the Short Hills address rather than West Orange, or some other percieved “status” luxury. It’s the kids that pay the real price, as you saw.
    Yes, granted some DO both have to work … but if they are allready living in Montclair or Upper Montclair they could (God Forbid) lower their expenses and live in Bloomfield or Union or Clifton and maybe eeek by on 1 income, for the child’s sake. Others do it.

  2. the blog is a good idea (if you have serious doubts about your nanny) but i hope they ALSO post GOOD things that they see a nanny/sitter do (extra hugs/kisses, denying them treats/ice-cream from the truck, patience, fun laughing) etc. I know those are “expected”, but people who go above/beyond are often not-noticed orappreciated. it’s easy to criticize…
    noting abuse is one thing, but shouldn’t it be reported to police/authorities or the parent?
    i have to say, being paranoid that your nanny might give the kid a cookie (gasp!) or a juice box (heavens forfend!) is ridiculous. if you’re so micro-managing to that level of worry — stay home!

  3. I’m with Sanford on this one. Newsflash for parents: When your kids are older they will wish that you spent more time with THEM rather your stupid Mercedes or at the golf course.

  4. Young children’s memories and comprehension, are further along, developmentally than their abilty to express themselves in a coherant manner is. If they should make an attempt at verbalizing a “not nice” incident, there is also a 50/50 chance that the parents will:-
    a) NOT believe them, or
    b) take them very seriously.
    Once the child knows he/she has told the truth, as best they could, and Mom or Dad didn’t believe them…..future communication is dead.
    Once the caretaker gets away with just a little bit over the line with no repercussion(s) each time the “incident” will cause a stricter and more painful experience for the child.
    The child, not wanting to be doubted again, will remain mum. The doorway to physical/sexual abuse is now open.
    My Mom was the office manager & bookeeper for Newark Packard (it was a luxury car)~ and walked away from it in 1947 when I was born, saying she had a more rewarding job, as a Mother. (and I think {not sure} it was right after the depression…..) $$$ was real tight.

  5. Instead of watching like a journalist-perhaps the onlooker could have called the POLICE and stuck around to describe the abuse to the Police, so they could open an investigation. The parents would have been informed so they could take immediate action.

  6. It’s the same onlooker that posted that she saw a lost dog and did nothing about it.

  7. So what are you saying, Sanford, that the world would be better without women in the professions? That professional women shouldn’t have children?
    Sounds like you think that working mothers can’t successfully raise kids.

  8. Hahahaha!
    Pique A Mousse, re-read the sentence. There is not a new body part called the “upper arm back” but rather the child was being dragged BACK to the playground by the upper arm.
    That made me laugh out loud.

  9. El Camino and Sanford, you obviously don’t live in Montclair or you would know that many of the families with the Mercedes and the golf club memberships are of the “Dad works on Wall Street and Mom stays home” variety. I trust you would have no gripe with this traditional model of the American Dream. And God bless them for their good fortune.
    The rest of us Montclair working stiffs are saving for our kids’ college and paying taxes like everyone else.

  10. Perhaps people are having trouble subsisting on one income. For many families child care is a necessity not a choice.

  11. Please stop referring to yourself and “Right of Center”. That description of you yourself is false. You are ultra-right authoritarian.

  12. Please stop referring to yourself and “Right of Center”. That description of yourself is false. You are ultra-right authoritarian.

  13. Dear Sanford,
    Whoopee for your mom. Whoopee for you.
    Who are you to say that it is the woman who is the primary care giver to the children in my family.

  14. “Perhaps people are having trouble subsisting on one income. For many families child care is a necessity not a choice.”
    No doubt Maestro, and what choice do 2 parents working on minimum wage have but to hire a full time nanny?

  15. It’s all about choices. We still do have them, don’t we? I thought this article was about abusive nannies….

  16. Nanny? How about in home daycare? How about trying to foist your kid off on anyone who has a free moment? How about working from home and trying to pretend you are being a good mom when really you are doing two jobs at once and everyone is suffering. Maybe one side of Watchung Ave is depending upon nannies so they can buy Lexii but the rest of us are trying to pay the mortgage and the taxes and the sewer authority

  17. Ultra-Right Authoritarian, it appears you are out of touch with the mainstream and unable to see the broader or picture. Shall we now discuss how nannies are exploited and underpaid?

  18. Laser,
    Are u one of those
    ‘liberals’ who call illegal aliens “guest worker”? Somehow I don’t see Nanny exploitation as a major societal issue.

  19. Poor Professor Mikey.
    Paying a nanny minimum wage? Good luck.
    I may not know all the theories of economics available to the average graduate of the DeVry School of Criminal Justice, but I am not the one “out of touch” with regard to this issue.

  20. Dear Sanford and those who believe a mother’s place is always at home. I am a single professional mom who works her ass off to keep a decent roof over my kids’ heads. For some unknown reason their father (my ex husband) doesn’t wish to hand over his entire salary so I can use it to pay my bills and stay home with our kids. The child support I do get barely cover’s my groceries and utililies so what do you think, should I stop working, move to a crappy apartment in Newark, go on welfare and get food stamps so I can stay home with my kids??? Would they really be better off? I don’t know what your life is like but the reality, even for those of us lucky enough to live in Montclair, is that working is not a choice. I depend on a nanny to care for my kids because it is the safest and best option. I don’t have a job where I can work at home and my hours don’t work with before and aftercare! As a matter of fact my nanny just left us last week and I am killing myself over finding someone new that I can trust. Few mother’s really want to leave their children and when we do, we look hard for the best care and pray we don’t hear reports like the one that started this post. My children are still young but old enough to at least report back so in that respect I am fortunate.
    As a side note if anyone knows of a great nany who is looking please let me know!!! I will happily pay significantly more than “minimum wage.”

  21. “You are ultra-right authoritarian.”
    You know nothing about the concept of the left-right political spectrum.

  22. https://programsforparents.com
    This PfP service is available to anyone who needs child care and was the very first program we offered. Our experienced counselors introduce parents to a broad selection of child care options, covering infancy to after-school enrichment programs. Parents are offered referrals to available programs that meet their unique needs, including financial assistance for qualified families. Child care referrals are free and confidential. If you have concerns or complaints about your child care call or e-mail Programs for Parents at:
    Tel: (973) 744-4050
    Email: fccservices@programsforparents.org
    don’t bother with the online iquiry- just call

  23. I have walked in Edgemont Park for close to 10 years. During that time, I have never seen a nanny display outright affection for a child. I think a lot of that is saved for when the parent is watching. Don’t kid yourself.
    The majority of the time the nannys seem to be caught up in conversation with their “nanny peer group”…and they all look after each others kids. Although I’ve never seen any rough behavior from a nanny, the thing that bothers me the most is the lack of hats and jackets on the kids.
    There have been countless cold windy days where I have seen too many babies and toddlers with no hat, no gloves or coat or blanket….and a red, runny nose.
    Please buy your kid a hat or two people, and tell your nanny to put it on them when they go for a walk…even if the kid says no.

  24. Selling to go to a lower tax town so my spouse can stay home with our children. Would love to stay in MTC but it just isn’t feasible unless your spouse has a $100k+ profession=Nanny or your bought 6 years ago..
    Goodbye…sadly Thanks to the d@mn taxes

  25. Who’s to say the woman dragging the child was the nanny and not the mother?
    And who’s to say maybe a woman chooses not to stay home because she enjoys her job just as much as her husband, and therefore the child is happier because there is no resentment in the home?

  26. “who’s to say the woman dragging the child was the nanny and not the mother?”
    Come on – you know it’s usually readable by the ethnicities involved. Here’s how it works:
    Expensively-dressed white, brown or asian kid w/ more cheaply-dressed caribbean- or mexican-looking woman = kid w/ Nanny.
    Expensively-dressed kid w/ 20ish white girl chatting w/ friend in Polish = kid w/ au pair.
    not to be confused with…
    Expensively-dressed asian kid w/ 44-year-old white lady = “I waited too long to have kids, then went all the away to China to adopt, because i didn’t want a child of color from here since they do badly on standardized tests.

  27. Then there’s the scene where a Montclair yuppite brags how “cheaply” they got the Polish, appalachian, etc. nanny. It always puzzled me how you could rip off the person who’s in charge of your child. As soon as they spend any time here they know they are being taken advantage of. Just what I want, a caretaker of my most precious children who hates me.

  28. I don’t think it matters if it’s the mom or the dad that’s home when the kid gets out of school. What I DO think matters is that it IS the mom or the dad and not some stranger. Why can’t people wrap their brains around this very simple concept?
    There are plenty of stay-at-home dads, that’s fine. I just don’t think that the reliance on nannies is healthy in the long run, just so Mommy and Daddy can have a extra Mercedes in the driveway.

  29. “I waited too long to have kids, then went all the away to China to adopt, because i didn’t want a child of color from here since they do badly on standardized tests. ”
    Actually it’s more likely “I waited too long to have kids, then went all the way to China to adopt, because i didn’t want the child to EVER be able to find his or her birthfamily and genetic roots”

  30. Can’t shake the myth of mommies working for the Mercedes and fancy shoes, can you? Just too comfortable for you?
    When I was growing up, all the blue collar families in my lower middle class nabe had stay at home moms. In the 70s, the houses were about 25-30K in the outer boros of NYC. Blue collar dads earned around 20K or so a year.
    Now those same houses are around $600K — and people aren’t earning close to that yearly. And it’s still a blue collar nabe — with everyone working like crazy.
    Not exactly apples to apples is it?
    The economy has changed, for the worse, and it’s more difficult and challenging to make that happen. It’s not a matter of fancy cars, it’s mortgage and taxes and utilities.
    Whether you agree with me or not, that single mom several posts above deserves an apology. Hats off to you my dear.

  31. I noted above that lasermikey is back! Oh happy, happy joy day!
    Do you have a nanny, mikey, and if so, do you pay her fairly? Make sure her Social Security and other taxes are paid? Do you even have issue? Do possibly illegal immigrants trim the hedges outside your in-home data center?
    And if nannies are exploited and underpaid, my laserpal, shouldn’t you be out on the streets right now organizing them?
    I don’t know, mikey, it just seems that before you leap into a discussion like the one above, you might wish to clarify your own personal status here.
    And laserboy, oh but I hope you haven’t been reading “Das Kapital” lately, or Baristanet is in for a very bumpy ride indeed.

  32. SPEAKING OF PARKS—–Has anyone heard about the plan to erect a family monument for a deceased child at Watchung Plaza. Has anyone seen the plans or heard about this. Wouldn’t this have to come before the council. Anyone!

  33. Has anyone heard about the plan to erect a family monument for a deceased child at Watchung Plaza. Has anyone seen the plans or heard about this. Wouldn’t this have to come before the council. Anyone!
    Only if the person wanting to put up the monument wasn’t a friend of the “right people.”

  34. I’m taking the opportunity to comment on the Edgemont Park nanny. I’ve been around Montclair and also Brookdale Park with my grandson – who I take care of now and then. Have also seen the nannies. I’m not crying the blues over anybody in Montclair or hotsy-totsy Edgmont park. Anyone living in your neck of the woods can either afford the best, or have mama quit work until the kid’s in school. Sorry. Anybody who can pay those prices and those taxes can afford better childcare and better ways of taking care of their kids. No sympathy. NONE. Zero.

  35. awesome bitterness everyone! Especially from the “working class heroes” resentful of mercedes drivers and people who live near “exlcusive” edgemont park. You’re angry because you live a shithole in Clifton. Too bad.
    Then there are the nobodies who covet edgemont park, or montclair, or new jersey for that matter as petty, chickenshit status symbols when in reality they’re nothing and they’re nowhere.
    I feel sorry for the poor kid. hope your arm goes back in the socket and I’m sorry you’re stuck in such an obnoxious ugly part of the world.

  36. Barbara Hartman,
    I happen to be a father of two young children where my wife and I work full time and have a nanny for the kids. First of all, your comments are so off-base and broad brushed that it barely dignifies an answer, but I will comment anyway. There are many families in Montclair where both parents work in order to be able to provide their kids with the best upbringing possible and to live in one of the best communities in the area. There are plenty of privileged families with a lot of money here, but there are many more that have two working parents who are working extremely hard just to live here. So shame on you for making such comments, you are completely out of touch with reality.
    As far as nanny’s are concerned, there are many bad ones but there are also plenty of good ones that care for the kids they take care of, teach and help in their development and truly treat them as if they were their own. I know my nanny is doing the right thing, the kids are at least as developed as any child with a parent at home. When she comes to the house every morning and they run to the door b/c they are so excited to see her, I know that there is nothing bad happening. Its up to each individual parent to make sure that their nanny is doing the right thing.
    One thing that I have always found is the stay at home mothers make negative comments toward working mothers b/c they never had a career worth pursuing and had no choice but to stop working and stay home with the kids. Unless you are making $75k or more, its almost cost prohibitive to keep working. By the time you pay the nanny, commute, meals, etc you are basically working for nothing unless you make a significant income.

  37. I’ve lived here for 85 years and I take my great-grandchildren out to the park. I hate these mamas who have nannies because I’m a bitter old shrew who was passed over by life. I have no sympathy either. NONE. NADA. ZIP. NIL. THE NULL SET. ZERO.

  38. Now why do I suspect that “hiding…” 2 posts above posts under many names and in many states of dudgeon?

  39. If there’s any way that you can stay home with your kids until they are of school-age, do it! I believe there’s no substitute for mom, even if you’ve found Mary Poppins.

  40. stayathomemom,
    How much money did you make per year when you stopped working and stayed home with the kids? Nobody knows who you are so fear not.

  41. Working Family: Money isn’t everything. In the long run, your kids will appreciate the time you spend with them NOT how much money you spend on them. There are plenty of kids who have all the material things they want but who are still miserable and have low self-esteem because no one pays them any attention.

  42. In my opinion, from the trenches? Nannies STINK. Daycare STINKS.
    But imagining that these issues are only the problem of selfish, greedy mommies and daddies is ridiculous.
    Yes, there are bad nannies and yes, there are bad parents to go along with them. But there are larger issues at work here.
    I think that we should offer a little more to our children than these options — not only now but in the future. Telling your daughter (or son, for that matter) that s/he’d better marry “well,” which seems to be where this is heading — doesn’t seem like much of a choice.

  43. Hiding,
    I am not talking about working to give them material things. We are working to save for college and to raise them in a great town where they have the best opportunity to thrive. Don’t misunderstand what I am saying, if money grew on trees, my wife would be home. Its a tough decision but one that will benefit them in the long run.

  44. This is a frought subject and will never be decided by discussion or debate. Some people work. Some people work because they have to. Others work because they need to. Some people stay home. Some people stay home because they have to. Others stay home because they want to. People are different. Children are different. There is no one right way to live your adult life or to raise children. Children prosper when you pay attention to them and nurture them. How you do that is your decision and inclination as a parent.
    Stay-at-home parents often feel superior, I believe, because they are ‘giving up’ something to stay home and feel more virtuous. Good for them. If you are a working parent, if you need to work to pay the bills or just because you have talents you need to express in a forum other than the home and if you love your children and care for them deeply, chances are they will turn out just fine or, at least as fine as the kids of the stay-at-homers. It’s not the number of hours you are at home; it is what you do with your kids while you’re there that matters. I rest my case!

  45. Hey everyone,
    Please be careful not to post under more than one name or cather might get upset. We wouldn’t want her/his feelings to be hurt. I only wish I had enough free time that I could patrol this website and help cather rid the world of people who have an irrational desire to post under more than one name. I think we all owe cather a great big thank you.

  46. Cathar,
    I’m writing an article for Rolling Stone about Jim Morrison. I know you and he were good buddies and I was wondering if I could get a quote or two.
    Also, since you spent such a large part of your adult life working in a homeless shelter, maybe we could brainstorm article ideas based on your vast experience there.
    Oh, and while we’re at it, I’d love to sit down and talk about the latest Garfield comics. I hate it when people make fun of Garfield. He is a nice cat.
    But if you’re too busy posting to dozens of blogs across the Internet, I understand. You’re an important guy after all.

  47. In all his self-mythologizing, Cathar has never claimed to have kids, so I don’t know why he’s posting on this thread. I enjoyed that week or so when he didn’t post at all, right after his true identity (Richard Szathmary, squirrely little old guy in Clifton) was revealed. But all good things must end, it seems.

  48. Who are you people? It was a long struggle for women to be accepted into careers– am I the only one old enough to remember?
    Women make important contrbutions to our society through their work and are role models to children.Having another caring individual taking care of your children does not stunt them. Parents do need to realize that having children involves balancing all the responsibilities you take on and never letting the children get the short end of the stick.
    My children are older now, one in college and one in high school. They grew up with an appreciation for my profession and their father”s. That mothers worked was a given to them.
    Two stories from their kindegarten years.
    When my son was asked if he wanted to be a doctor like his
    mom, he answered,”No, that’s
    for girls.”
    When My daughter wanted to know why a different mother was the kindegarten class mother, i told her that the other child’s mother didn’t work. Her reply:”Why doesn’t she get a job?”
    Now I have 2 self sufficient and self confident kids.
    I guess that I don’t need to reassure the working Moms. They are too busy to spend their time here.

  49. My hat is off to each and every stay at home mom in Baristaville !! Does anyone here really and truly appreciate just how vital these individuals are to the continued well being of the local liquor store economy ? Hmmm ????
    Didn’t (*hic*) think so !

  50. I post, sleepysleek, because your childish, anonymous whimpering doesn’t scare me. Even as I wonder why you, in your many posting “incarnations,” never see fit to give a real name. (Or to make an appointment to berate me face-to-face.) Still, if it keeps you from trolling the web for underage sexual partners (which I suspect is your real specialty), listening to your bad attempts at “wit” constitutes my public service for the day.
    And you couldn’t so much as write a classified ad on a porno site seeking a strap-on to replace the one your, uh, “nanny” broke in you from overuse without breaking out in a sweat, let alone an “article for RS.”

  51. some parents dont care what kind of nanny they haves. i am good nanny but work with a bad and lazy nanny who do nothing but busy herselves in the londry room so she can avoid the kidses.

  52. Working Family–your post in response to B. H. was going along fine until you had to throw in there something about the stay-at-home moms never having had careers worth pursuing, and had no choice but to stop working. So, $$$=career worth? And some moms deliberately choose an even less-lucrative vocation–child-rearing.

  53. Cathar – what is with you and your perverted messages? Our kids read this site. Please keep your projected fantasies in your bedroom, or toliet, where they belong.
    And you don’t really believe that it’s one person who objects to your trash here, do you? you are an annoying, lonely and pathetic little man.
    Go away…again

  54. Wow, Rich! Project your own issues a little, why dontcha!? Yikes. No wonder you like priests so much. I certainly don’t give out my real name, but I guarantee this is the only one i ever use on Baristanet. The RS guy ain’t me, or are any of the hiders. be assured that plenty other people think you’re ‘icky.’

  55. Cathar,
    Sooo…you won’t talk about all the quality time you and Jim Morrison spent together?
    I don’t understand. Why hold back? If you guys were such great pals, share the love.

  56. Thank you Dr. Donna. Do any of you “working mom” haters have daughters? Are you all raising them to believe their place is soley in the home? Is there not anything to be said for independence and equality? Women who are financially dependent on their husbands are more likely to stay in abusive marraiges and are more likely to find themselves on welfare if their marraiges break up. Women have struggled for years to achieve equality in the workplace and you would like to toss us all back to the 1950’s.
    I have always worked. Having children motivated me years ago to chose a lower pressure (and lower paying) job so I can make it home for dinner most nights but I am proud that I am setting a good example for my children. My house is not always spotless and I rarely bring cupcakes to the classroom midday but my children don’t believe for a moment that their mother loves them any less than some of their friend’s stay at home moms do. My daughters want to grow up and have “two” careers too. In my position I don’t have another income to fall back on but even in the days when I did I never believed I was short changing my kids.

  57. hey, guys. somebody posted a letter using my name. i didn’t write at least one of ’em up there. weird??? i’m not sure.
    oh, this whole discussion is weird, anyway. sorry if you folks think many of us are out of touch. but we all have a right to both our opinions and our feelings. i have raised 3 kids and have a grandson, so i don’t think i’m that much of a fossil.
    the fact is that most moms don’t have the money to hire nannies to take care of their kids. a bad nanny is a crime,yes, but i don’t think most average families can afford one in these parts, good or bad. (hence, the reason i was taking care of my grandson) he is now in kindergarten in an after-school program for the time being. my daughter cannot afford a nanny.
    i suggest some of you younger folks GET REAL. you live in a dream world where most of you want everything your way and
    you want it NOW. i do not at all believe that a majority of the young mothers in montclair HAVE to work. they have to work to maintain a certain standard of living – which is not the norm in most of this state – unless you live in towns just like montclair.
    so don’t criticize ME, bub. i’ve lived a whole lot longer than you young whippersnappers out there and could teach you a thing or two!!!

  58. gasp. just read the front page.
    i have gained notoriety in “Baristaville”.
    oh, crap. and here i thought we were all anonymous.
    oh, well!!! things could be worse.
    i suppose now someone will mention my name as the alternative to Hallmark’s crabby old lady, Maxine!!!
    hee hee hey. don’t take life too seriously, will ya?
    you won’t get out of it alive, anyway!!!!
    a good day and a cup of “Barista” coffee to y’all!

  59. Barbara : You are critical of mothers who work, yet you also mention taking care of your own grandkid.
    Is it because the kid’s mother is at work ?

  60. Sleepysleek, whatever your real name, or how many names you may post under, you plainly remain, as you once claimed to be, a punk.
    And your “guarantee” is then of course valueless.

  61. I don’t think there are any ” ‘working mom’ haters” here, montclairsinglemom–but there sure is a lot of animosity toward at-home moms. I have tremendous respect for moms who work outside the home–and I would ask for the same from them. And Dr. Donna, I’ve known plenty of class moms and active PTA people who also hold full-time jobs–again, it’s all about choices. Regarding your kindergarten experience, put the shoe on the other foot: I’d never think of answering my kid’s question about why another mom doesn’t volunteer in her classroom or chaperone field trips by saying something like “she works instead of being home for you.”

  62. now, look. this is the absolute last post on the nanny thing, here. geez. i always get myself into these things. don’t know why.
    to laser and all others, no, no, no! i am not criticizing working moms, and yes, my daughter works. she falls into the “have to” category. she has 4 kids and does NOT live in a town like montclair.
    i wasn’t focusing my comments on working moms, per se. i was focusing on the nanny thing. and folks who can afford nannies. and stuff like that.
    i babysat because my daughter is in the category of not being able to afford a nanny. never mind that i also love my grandson to pieces and love taking care of him anyway!!!
    so, here’s the thing. finding good child care is tough – no question about it. and hey – i may be no better for MY grandson than the average nanny. who knows??? in my circumstance, my daughter asked me to do something, and i wanted to – so i did it. i also told her that i did not want to be paid for watching my own grandson. that was our particular agreement.
    BUT – we’re an average family. Please, please, please do NOT tell me that the folks currently living in Montclair (aside from a certain segment of your population, there) – represent the AVERAGE family. Don’t patronize me by all the bawling, crabbing, yelling, etc. about how you gotta work so you can make 75 to 100 thou a year to maintain your yuppy lifestyle and how your nanny is your lifeline. boo hoo
    you chose to live in an uppity town like montclair? well, you do what you gotta do. keep up with the joneses and all that. that is your choice.
    other folks don’t have a choice, and don’t get to have nannies. nannies are for well-to-do families. the rest of us scrape by on what we can get.
    the moms who HAVE to work and are not pulling in big-butt salaries like others also have to scrape by on whatever they can get. and lots of them don’t have nannies, either. they have what we have …grandmas, aunts, friends, etc. to help with child care.
    so what am i saying? if you can AFFORD a nanny, then you can AFFORD to do some other things. like being a bit more careful about child care.
    and maybe spending some more time with your kid.
    you don’t like that? tough. but that’s the way it is.

  63. “animosity toward at-home moms.”
    My mom was a stay at home mom – but she worked harder then any parents or career person I know. She filled her life with her children, her husband, friends and outside projects, never a country club. She had moments of wondering about the what if’s of a career of her own, but her family came first.
    I was an adult when I learned my mom felt animosity from her friends for not working. It had never occurred to me that my mom had peers and with peers came peer pressure.
    Then one day, when we were older and out of the house, it changed. My mom’s career friends were now jealous of her for being in our lives everyday and having memory after memory of everyday life together. Even in our adulthood we are all still gathered around each other, very much that same family of weird kids, exhausted parents and constant memories.

  64. Barbara : Thanks for the reply. However, I think real issue for you has little to do with nannies and a LOT to do with a very nasty case of “Montclair Envy”. Too bad you’ve reached the wrong stereotypical conclusion.

  65. Yeah … because you folks now the intricacies and details of my family finances and philosophy — that’s why everyone is qualified to state, unequivocally how I should raise my children. What a bunch of self-absorbed jerks.

  66. If I hadn’t worked all these years, we would now be living in a box down by the river. My husband has NO access to health care, and no he is not going into another line of work. I work to (a) help pay for my very humble house in a pretty decent school system, and (b) so my family has health insurance. I don’t have the luxury of grandma to watch my kids. In fact, I can barely get anyone to watch them even for a couple of hours so hubby and I can have a dinner together that doesn’t involve chicken nuggets.
    Let’s see, I could quit my job, give up my car and the related payments and insurance for it. Then I could give up paying for before and after care. But since I would have no car, I will have to get my kids up extra early and walk to school, as we are just on the edge of getting the bus. Probably should take me an hour round trip, morning and afternoon. While they are at school I could take the bus to ShopRite for groceries. We could sell the house but good luck finding an apartment with the same modest monthly payment (since we scraped together the money 16 years ago to buy our “starter” house and have stayed there.) Come to think of it, we would probably have to move out of state entirely. Then hubby would have to find a new job. Oh, I just remembered, we could cram in with my folks in their 900 square foot ranch in San Diego! So what if my son and daughter have to share a bedroom! I know the schools in my old stompin’ grounds were good.
    No matter what, there are 2 sides to every story. SingleMom, you rock.
    Signed,
    Paycheck to Paycheck

  67. Can everyone please stop posting about nannies and working mothers and the challenges of parenthood. It is getting quite off subject. Thanks. Now, where were we? Mmmm…oh, yes. Cather, who would you like to threaten next?

  68. if there are any attractive stay-at-home moms that are skilled in the art of sensual massage, please, PLEASE email me. I pay cash and have my own moped.

  69. barbara heartmann- thanks for the email but my reply to you got bounced back so I will reply here.
    i called the massage place # you emailed me and some deep-voiced guy with an accent answered, and said HE does the massages! i don’t want that kind, i want the all-nude sensual kind with a fine lady. will you do this? if not, who will?
    HELP!

  70. Barbara I spent years in school and have worked hard to have a career with a good if not stellar salary. I am not going to apologize for that or the fact that I live in Montclair (and yes I even live close to Edgemont Park). I am not crying poverty, I know I am fortunate but even still I cut every corner to live on my own with two kids. I bought at a good time in the market. Today, I couldn’t afford to buy my own home, or even rent a decent sized apartment. Like Paycheck to Paycheck I don’t have family nearby to help so I have no choice but to find childcare. I do pay well for a good nanny not because I can afford it but because it is more important to me to insure my children’s safety than to save a bundle for retirement, buy a fancy car etc. I wish we had a grandma nearby to help – your daughter is fortunate. Please stop judging people by where they live. There are many more people than you would expect who are just getting by in Baristaville

  71. I HAD to respond to the amazingly astute and perceptive comments from “Reality/Birthmom” about Asian children with their adoptive moms. I think s/he saw me in the park the other day!
    I AM 44-years-old. (ooooh–eerie.)
    My kids are rarely dressed expensively. (Shout out to Milk Money consignment on Church Street!) Okay, I’ll admit–I occasionally splurge at Target or Kohl’s, with an occasional pair of tights from BabyBoom thrown in just to keep Reality guessing.
    True, my well-heeled, ebullient beauties ARE “Asian.” One, born in NYC, is part-Chinese and part-Indian. We know his birthmother, and saw her about 10 times after his birth, until she moved away to Canada. We exchange emails frequently. My son knows her name; he was named after his birthfather, a name we kept, and we hope he will travel to India someday to meet him.
    My other child, a lovely, happy little girl of 32 months, was actually born in SOUTH KOREA (I know, I know–they’re all the same, right?). We actually chose to adopt her from there for MANY reasons, not the least of which is that we CAN, actually, hope to have some contact with her birthparents at some point. (We’ve already contacted the S. Korean agency four times to see if the birthmother has inquired after our daughter. She has not.)
    Myself? Well, I married at 22 exactly so that I could have a HUGE family. I chose teaching as a profession for same reason. My first husband told me when I was 29 that he had decided he never wanted children. We divorced. At 31, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, one of those really fun ones right between the carotid artery and the optic nerve! After a harrowing recovery, I finally remarried, only to learn that I was suffering from premature ovarian failure at 38, and would never be able to have biological children. Thus, we began the adoption process. (Egg donation didn’t appeal to me, but there are MANY people I know in this town who went that route. Thing is, you can’t identify them with your laser-like acuity, Reality, so you would be unable to comment on their mommy’s motives, etc etc.).
    [By the way, are you one of those parents who had children by birth instead of adopting one of the many African-American children who need families in our country? Why?? I really think you should, since you seem to have such an amazing understanding of the whole process!]
    You are probably one of those mean-faced people I see from time to time in Montclair who can’t manage a smile for me or for my adorable children who, no matter what you might think of me (incorrectly, most likely), are perfectly innocent. (And will make your day if you let them.)
    Or maybe you’re an adopted person who never did have the opportunity to find your birthfamily, or was lied to or deceived by your adoptive family. if that’s the case, my sympathies go out to you. And my prayers.

  72. Are you people serious? Most of you need to go and look for some hard work to do. Some of you are so self-indulgent. Some moms work and others don’t. People do what is right for them.

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