Build Your Own Baristaville Barbie

We got the following email and wondered why Baristaville didn’t make the line of “New Jersey Barbie” dolls. Read on and then feel free to create specs for Glen Ridge Barbie, Bloomfield Barbie, Montclair Barbie, Verona, West Orange, etc…

Summit- Chatham – Short Hills Barbie.
This princess Barbie is only sold at the Short Hills mall. She comes with Kenneth Cole 4-inch clunky shoes, an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, and a Mercedes-Benz SUV with hand held Cell Phone. Options include tummy tuck, face lift, and workaholic Ken.
Westfield Barbie
This outwardly conservative Barbie is adorned with a silver Tiffany & Co. silver heart chain necklace with matching ‘Please Return to Tiffany’ heart bracelet. This Barbie also comes with a gas guzzling pearly white Cadillac Escalade fully decorated with a soccerball sticker, LBI sticker and VT sticker and is used to drive her kids 2 blocks to school and park illegally in front of local Rialto movie theater blocking traffic and picking up Starbucks Mocha-lattes. A bonus is her husband Wall-Streeter Commuter Ken.


Livingston Barbie
This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Volvo Wagon, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
Belmar-Seaside Heights Barbie
This gum-chewing, Trans-Am driving Barbie wears white pumps and walks on the boardwalk [note: heel falling between the boards included]. Her make-up is dark colored lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly nude color. Her ensemble includes low-rise flared colored jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there see-through shirt. Her hair is BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and Springsteen CD’s, large can of Stiff Stuff Hair Spray, 6 pre-paid tanning sessions, mirrored heart pendant [won on the boardwalk] engraved with boyfriends name[gold chain ordered separately] [default tattoo : Vinnie].
8. Mendham/Far Hills Barbie
This educated high-profile Barbie has a career but is on hiatus to take care of the family. She is equipped with boot-cut jeans, low cut V-Neck Shirt complete boob job, high-heeled leather boots with matching satchel handbag from Coach. Her hair has both high and low lights, nails are a permanent French manicure and makeup is age appropriate (she’s 40 but looks 30). Squeeze her left hand and she says, “Get in the car.” Accessories include your choice of either SUV or Minivan with sporting equipment in rear cargo (soccer, football & baseball), Labrador on Leash, take out Menus, cell phone with programmable numbers, digital camera and iPod. Sold separately: 2 kids in tow-your choice combination of boy or girl; and husband Ken, available on weekends only.

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37 COMMENTS

  1. Several years ago I had actually proposed to the council a Bloomfield Barbie called VAVAVoom Barbie when one of the local watering holes on Broad Street in North Center tried to start up go go dancing. The barbie doll came with her own pole and pasties.
    The owner has recently sold the building and the liquor license so am a little concerned about what the new owner will attempt.

  2. Montclair Barbie: Complains about everything but doesn’t really want to do anything to bring about change. Claims to be politically responsible but doesn’t bother to vote. Stands on her soap box to protest the “big box stores” but doesn’t support the small local shops. Snarls at people driving Hummers but has her thermostat set at 72 even when nobody is home. Comes in all colors and sexual orientations.

  3. Don’t ya think this is kinda nasty stereotyping? Don’t you think that there are thousands of women in the aforementioned towns who do not fit this mode?
    My Mom during her life lived in Livingston. She worked side-by-side with her husband for only 40 years, took care of the house, and myself and devoted many years of free service & help to chairitable groups, especially the Children’s Asmetic Org and the Danny Thomas Hospital at Denver.
    She drove an Imperial Coupe and later an Imperial LeBaron. In later years, a Cadillac Eldorado. She would have never bought foreign and she marched in the VFW parades. Her clothing came from Bambergers and Orbachs in Newark.
    As a guy, I think this thread is demeaning to many women.

  4. My daughter has several Barbies, so I asked her what kind of car would a GR Barbie drive. She said “an old beetle”….Go figure…very retro.

  5. Well, Say One, this “clever” thread does not demonstrate Barista’s feminist leanings or awareness of the struggle that took place during the first and second waves of feminism (No, I am not going on a rant!)
    I could turn it around and build a Montclair Ken or a gender neutral doll, but who wants to?
    I just take it as a slow Baristaville news week.

  6. Glen Ridge Barbie
    Drives a Mercedes SUV. Drops her kids off at school then plays tennis with the girls. Then it’s on her way to get her nails done and her roots touched up. Lunch with some more of the girls…of course bitchin and moanin how the contractors are taking forever to finish the kitchen remodel. Then it’s a charity event in the evening with her cheatin wall streeter husband. Winter vacations up at Stratton with her many fur coats and summer vacations at the Hamptons.

  7. my barista barbie,
    she goes to montclair state and is artsy, articulate and hot. Ok, yes, i’m tawkin’ bout our own katie. she’s the model for the ‘barista barbie.’

  8. Montclair Barbie: Has a lawyer, writer(NYTimes), producer(ABC) or developer husband; 2 kids and a dog.
    Writes freelance, paints, is a therapist or into real estate or is so totally driven by her high powered job that she thinks of her husband as on of the staff.
    Plans her childrens afterschool activities as though she were going to war.
    Drives a large SUV and has a cell phone permanently stuck to her ear.
    She shops at whole foods and shop rite and of course does yoga.
    She is, of course, the most important person in everyone’s world.

  9. I’d like to see Runner Barbie. Comes complete with running gear, race number, Nike Shox, Gatorade bottle, trophy. However, she doesn’t have the requisite boobs since they are a liability to runners.

  10. why are they a liability? Do they fall off in the cold?
    What about butt? Is she allowed to have butt?

  11. So incipient feminists in the burbs drove Chryslers or Caddies? (The only time I ever saw Gloria Steinem alighting from a car, come to think of it, it was from a limo.)And Say one took umbrage at the very thread which posited that today’s equivalent might drive a Mercedes?
    But if one was able to afford an Imperial or an El Dorado and nonetheless bought her clothes at Bam’s (I’m sure she called it “Bam’s” back then) and Ohrbach’s, well, then, shouldn’t she also have driven something homier? Like a Plymouth, maybe? Or a Dodge Dart, for gosh sakes? The local bookie-candy store proprietor in my old home town drove an Imperial, after all,
    People take offense at the oddest things, Say One. But I also always thought the “Danny Thomas Hospital” is in Memphis.

  12. Glen Ridge Barbie comes with ponytail, tennis sneakers and layered polar fleece clothing suitable for sitting quietly or gossiping at soccer games and birthday parties. Comes with minivan for quick jaunts to the Glen Ridge pool and toting cupcakes to bake sales. Also available is Deluxe Glen Ridge Barbie with blond hair, Country Club cards and full-time sitter.

  13. IRVINGTON BARBIE
    drives a new Mercedes, with any wheels other than the originals, has cell phone permanently growing out of her ear, has at least 4 visable tatoos and 3 children by 2 different men, works 2 jobs and all day Saturday, just to pay for day-care. Rents in Irvington, hoping to save enough for a down payment on a fix ’em special in Maplewood. Is a single parent suing to get more child care for hubby #1 & boyfriend #1 ~ neither of whom can be found. Supports QVC on cable and her local Mary Kay Rep. Doesn’t have enough hours in a day & oft food shops at 10PM at Pathmark South Orange.
    Her car’s been broken into 3 times and “keyed” 4 times and been stolen & found once. Still, she finds the time to pray on Sunday at church.
    Working, praying, paying, hoping to become a homeowner….. Ummmm, sounds like the “Real” America…..

  14. “my barista barbie,
    she goes to montclair state and is artsy, articulate and hot. Ok, yes, i’m tawkin’ bout our own katie. she’s the model for the ‘barista barbie.’
    Posted by: Iceman | December 31, 2006 7:48 AM ”
    Hey katie,
    I don’t think artsy is a compliment to a person who wants to be an artist.

  15. MTC barbie
    Long, curly, uncolored, unkemped, grey hair wearin’. Burkenstock totin’. tofu eatin’. No bra wearin’. Jean and grey sweater uniform. No idea what kids are doing, doesn’t matter. Hair under pits (and legs for that matter) Minivan drivin’. ’60’s wanna be. Equality for all preachin’ (so long as it doesn’t apply to them). And oh yeah, Constant complainer

  16. sorry Iceman I’d consider it an art to find anything on you that I’d even consider nibbling let alone biting.

  17. Barbies are Bad Role Models,
    That’s the Central Monrclair Barie- what about Upper Montclair Barbie and Downer Montclair Barbie

  18. Upper Montclair Barbie,
    No hair down there- Brazilian was freak
    short curly died every other week hair- lots of bobbi brown cosmetics – mercedes SUV-kids have an aftershool programs that rival CEOs- has nanny to drive them afterschool-has dinner catered.
    sees a therapist at least 3 times per week

  19. Oh, you’ve got the wrong town.
    Montclair Barbie has no need to walk up her driveway- she either motors or jogs there.

  20. Montclair Barbie just sits in her Volvo SUV at the Bloomfield Ave. entrance to the Whole Foods lot, causing a chain reaction traffic backup half a mile down the avenue. She’s waiting, waiting, waiting for Glen Ridge Barbie to load her Mercedes SUV, wheel the cart back to the herding area, triple-check that young Bunny is srapped securely into her child seat, climb into the driver’s seat and inch the bulbous vehicle from her prime first-row parking slot.
    Montclair Barbie is obsessed with having the best of everything, even though she could have zipped into the back lot, now completely empty thanks to the WOWF, via the Bell St. entrance, grabbed a cart & had her shopping done by the time all that maneuvering has been accomplished. Montclair Barbie has no truck with back lots where you actually have walk for more than 10 seconds to the front door of Whole Foods. She’s from Montclair, dammit!
    When visiting the Art Museum, Montclair Barbie always parks that Volvo SUV in one of the spaces marked “Compact,” because, you know, she’s carrying one in her $600 Piazza Della Sole handbag.

  21. Upper Montclair Barbie visits the hairdresser weekly for her Schweppe-blonde touch up, drives a black Mercedes so she appears successful while complaining about taxes in her sleep, despises her husband’s failure for making her work, drinks cocktails at the club, sends her kids to camp so she doesn’t have to spend time with them, and sees a psychologist to try to figure out why life isn’t more fulfilling and the kids don’t appreciate camp more which she perceives is a nice break from her constant pressure for better grades in AP courses.

  22. If Upper Montclair Barbie has to work then, yes, the children do need to go to camp. That’s how it works in the summer for working mothers.

  23. What do we know about the CFO being hired by Montclair that warrants paying him/her over $120,000 per year of our money?
    At that salary, why do we need to be sharing the CFO with Glen Ridge? Glen Ridge has their own CFO who as I understand it does a fine job.
    The complexity of keeping the books straight for Montclair would seem to me to be a full time job in and of itself and doesn’t need to be complicated by sharing this individual with another municipalty. And it sounds like with their childcare flex time needs they will have their hands full just keeping things current for Montclair.

  24. It will have to be a CFO Ken for Montclair from now on.
    He’s got a blackberry for the business (Montclair and whatever town he can get his 2nd job with)and two cellphones – one is personal and one for the au pair, babysitter and nanny to call on.
    He shops at whole foods and calls his order in.
    Drives the fully loaded unmarked Montclair SUV and fills up at the Montclair pump.
    He wears kakhis and a leather jacket just like the mayor. No tie for him, he’s a man of action and you’ll never find him behind his desk.
    Look, up in the sky, it’s a goose, no- a plane, oh my goodness it’s the Montclair “shared-services” CFO commuting to the other job or jumping home for “flex time”

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