NJ.com Blogs Baristaville’s Nanny-Gate

When a we reported on a nanny-behaving-badly, earlier this week, our commenters were divided over who to spank – the gold-toothed nanny or the parents. What to do? NJ.com picks up our story…and the debate:

The first person to comment on the post disparaged the nanny for her dental work (she was probably going to “meet her pimp,” they wrote).
Others complained about “undocumented” immigrants who have no training in child care (although there were a few foreign-nanny defenders).
But the greatest outrage was reserved for parents, especially moms, who care more about material possessions than spending time with kids:

Sell the damn house in Glen Ridge or Montclair that you really cannot afford, and dump that Nazi-brand car for a less expensive car and let “Mom” quit work, and stay home and protect her most important treasure, her daughter, whom is really (or should be) THE most important asset in her life, before something terrible happens, and…..of course, the “Mom” will blame everyone BUT the woman in the mirror.

The witness to the Monclair nanny-negligance also posted a report on isawyournanny.blogspot.com, a site devoted to spying on nannies. Here, you can find attacks on working moms, along with stories of defensive, overworked nannies and a few good-nanny sightings.
I’m just wondering, why stop at nannies? Why not a site called isawyourmommy (one nanny tried; looks like it never got off the ground). What about “isawyourdaddy” or “isawyourteacher” or “isawyourbabysitter” or ”isawyourdogwalker”?

So tell us, Is outing bad behavior being taken to the extreme or is it a good thing?

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32 COMMENTS

  1. I stand by my pimp comment. You are supposed to dress for the job you want. With gold teeth adorned with $$ signs she either wants to be a hooker or a rap star. The latter with bad taste. Can hookers have bad taste?

  2. The pimp comment was racist. Maybe she has bad teeth and the grill was a tacky yet more attractive option. Do you suspect women with veneers of being hookers too? How about crowns or bridges? Not everyone can afford dental care and if sheβ€šΓ„Γ΄s a nanny I doubt she has dental coverage through her employer.

  3. She could be wearing Armani and have a gold-plated Rolex and still be a psycho. It’s hard not to judge people by appearances but appearances can and do lie. “American Psycho” is a great fictional account of this. I’m more upset that the parents hired her with out first getting references.

  4. And lets get rid of bitter partisanship. I will go by the example of conservatives on this issue. I especially admire the non-partisan approach to Hillary. Conservatives never say they don’t like her, they examine her position on the issues. And if Obama says he is a Christian, they just take him at his word.

  5. Spot The Looney, are you equating the wandering eyes of Brookdale Park to the practices of the Stasi in East Germany???

  6. In the former Soviet satellites, the citizenry would often aid the secret police ratting out friend, neighbor and family members.

  7. I stand by my comment 110%.
    There’s a very good chance that *IF* they are living in a 1 million dollar house (or more!) that they could get by on 1 income if they sold (making a hefty profit, probably) and moved to a $400,000 house in a town with lower tax ratio, ditto the high insurance on that luxury-branded 6,000 pound SUV pig.
    Enough to allow the Mother to stay at home and be a “Mommy” and not have to hire a “Nanny”.
    Now, before ya all start getting your panties in a knot shooting me with “Why can’t the Mother have a “life” and a career (or job) etc, etc. – the Mom gave up that choice when she decided to become a Mom. Being a Mom, is her #1 job. She owes that to her children. That IS her obligation. When her youngest goes of to college, then she can re-enter the work force full time, and devote her energy & time to that.
    Maybe, on the other hand, this Mom only works 1 day a week, for a few hours. Maybe that was the 3 hours a week that the daughter is with the “nanny” …. Who knows the real situation…..
    Maybe the Mom broke her leg, and cannot take her daughter to the park…and hired the nanny for just a month – 2 days a week … we will never know the true real & full story.

  8. “Now, before ya all start getting your panties in a knot shooting me with “Why can’t the Mother have a “life” and a career (or job) etc, etc. – the Mom gave up that choice when she decided to become a Mom. Being a Mom, is her #1 job. She owes that to her children. That IS her obligation. When her youngest goes of to college, then she can re-enter the work force full time, and devote her energy & time to that.”

    Sandy, you are aware that some mothers don’t have a choice. Mine didn’t – dad vanished when I was five. She had to work. If she hadn’t we would have been in dire straits. She had a nice career as a teacher and administrator in the East Orange public school system and she was a great mom too!

  9. Hooker is now a race, I thought it was a profession?
    Yes, you’re right, crowns, bridges and veneers are totally the same thing as gold $$ encrusted caps.

  10. I removed my grill three years ago when I realized that I was the only mom at my son’s Basking Ridge school with gold teeth. People stared and assumed I was a bad mother even though my two front teeth read “#1 MOM”. I was surprised to see how harshly I was judged as people could not see past it despite how much Burberry and Tory Burch I wore.
    Now I am in Montclair and I have to say, I wouldn’t have hired me if I were a nanny either. Poor decision on the parents part. Something about a grill just screams non conformity.

  11. Robin- It doesn’t matter what Sandy thinks about working mothers. Yours has done a great job by your own acclamation, which is the only one that counts.
    I personally believe what matters is that all of us moms are doing the best we can by our children, whether we work outside the home or not. I admit I am disturbed by Sandy’s continuing rant, equating working outside the home with being a bad mother. Life is all about choices and some people are obviously ill-equipped to make good ones – hiring the nanny with $$ grill for example. The good news here is that absent the rule of law, no-one else gets to make the choices for us unless we (the people) let them.

  12. just realized I should have addressed my last comment to Mellonbrush, not Robin. Robin apparently sold out in Basking Ridge.

  13. Did anyone by chance watch supernanny? If not, long story short, mother, father, two teenager daughters 14 & 17, and three boys ages 3 & 4. The dad is a CSR and the mom started her own business in photography. The daughters were supposedly home schooled, but left to do everything in the damn house. I am talking EVERYTHING. Cleaning, laundry, watching the boys, sweep, mop, dust, dishes, baths, and on top of that attempt to get time in to do schoolwork. Those parents were gone from 7am to 7pm and had the nerve to get mad if something wasn’t done. I was dissapointed as I sat there tearing up, those parents hardly shed a tear. I think some parents do not understand that when they choose to start a family, those kids come first – 100% all the time and everytime. One word comes to mind – SELFISH. I am not a parent, but let me tell you, missing school at 14 years of age because my parents had to work and my sister chose to not come and raise her daughter, I was the only one left to do that. It made me who I am today, but I know that when I choose to start a family, my kids are coming first no matter what. If that means cutting my cable bill in half, cell phones, to be able to give them the best life I can do, then that is what I will have to do. Now in this case – I don’t know this family, but gold teeth or whatever, having suitable daycare/nanny is critical. Maybe she put the fronts in after the fact, but it still doesn’t matter, that nanny should be responsible enough to treat the child she is caring for as if it is her own – Maybe THAT is the problem…..

  14. Sandy – you are a judgmental prig. Don’t tell other people how to live their lives and raise their families. It is not only possible, but also very common, for children of 2 working parents to be happy, safe, and well adjusted.

  15. mtc_maven,
    My odd sense of humor was lost on you. I didn’t sell out, nor was I ever a Basking Ridge resident. Sorry.

  16. Oh, I am a “Judgemental Prig” and ONLY YOU are free to express your thoughts/opinions.
    I understand.
    mtc_maven ~ do not put the printed word in my mouth. Nowhere in anything that I wrote will you find the words “BAD” and “MOTHER” together.
    Yes, some can pull it off, and be a great Mom and have a career, but it’s tough, and many unknowingly fail at it.
    I have known some that did do both, and very well, at that. But I have known and seen others that deeply regreted working & parenting, when they really did NOT have to work outside the home, as their husbands made a good living.

  17. Sandy, your viewpoint is so ignorant, retrograde, and unsophisticated that I think you might be a troll.
    Assuming you are not, though, are you male or female? With or without kids?
    I work fulltime and have 3 kids, but no SUVs, plasma screens, or other contempt magnets– and yeah, I probably could stop working and yeah, we could probably uproot our family and move out of our nice if leaky old home into a more crowded one in a town we don’t like so much, but why? My husband and I work to ensure a secure future and a comfortable present for our family. Yes, like most people, we think it would be great not to have to go to
    work every day (except maybe on Sunday nights…) but I feel not one speck of guilt that I have a job. I’d be a miserable mother if I was home all day, and I’m certainly not alone in that conviction (c.f. “The Feminine Mystique”). My kids love going to my office, enjoy hearing about my day, and are happy and well-adjusted.
    And mothers who “deeply regret” working when “their husbands” (or perhaps their lesbian partners?) make a good living…. can quit. Simple as that.
    Get off the backs of the rest of us.

  18. That’s wonderful, and I am sincerely happy for the great balance that you have mastered! You are rightfully proud.
    I am not a troll, I assure you. About me?
    I am definately male, married for 24 years to my 1 & only female wife, and we have 1 son, age 23, (and No SUV) πŸ™‚
    Born & raised in Maplewood, bought house in Bloomfield, (6 houses over the G.R. boundry).

  19. Well, children, what have we all learned from this? That it is quite politically incorrect in Baristaville to suggest that a mother should raise her own children rather than outsource her child-rearing duties to an irresponsible stranger with a blingy “grill”!
    Really, I am appalled not by Sandy’s comments but rather by the venomous invective sprayed by all you who take offense at his opinions. I agree with Sandy’s general point, which is that if you are sufficiently affluent to hire a nanny, who then approaches total strangers in a park to watch said child while the nanny takes a leak, then perhaps that mother has her priorities out of whack, and that she should make a sacrifice elsewhere in her life to have time to take care of her own kids.
    (Remember, this all started with the story about the nanny with the “grill” in Brookdale Park who did just that.)
    Nowhere did I read anything to suggest that Sandy was bashing working mothers in general, or mothers who need to work to make ends meet, in particular. Yet some of you seem quite sensitive (and defensive) about this topic.
    And, dear fellow Baristavillians, you are sufficiently sophisticated to understand that merely stating one’s opinion here does not equate to telling “other people how to live their lives and raise their families”, aren’t you? Again, this must be quite a sensitive topic to evoke such a knee-jerk reaction. I mean, just because I tell you that I think mothers should stay home with their children is not the same as dictating how you should raise your children. I am simply expressing my personal perspective, as Sandy has, take it or leave it.
    (Besides, until I am crowned Emperor of Baristaville, I am powerless to impose such a decree upon you, my subjects, and you are free to simply ignore me – and Sandy.)
    But really, folks, the name-calling. Cather often accuses those who embellish their speech with the f-word of suffering from a “paucity of vocabulary”, and to some extent he makes a point. I have to wonder if resorting to pejoratives (i.e., “ignorant”, “troll”, “judgmental prig”) indicates a paucity of reasoned argument. This community is typically thoughtful and articulate, and I find such mudslinging to be unseemly.

  20. I guess I hit a nerve in some readers. But, I do agree with you. On this site, it is dangerous to voice an opinion, unless it’s ultra liberal, new wave, whatever.
    PS/ I wish my wife would work!! (Then we could buy a 6,000 LB. SUV πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
    I do admire wives (or “sig. others”) that balance child rearing with employment, because there is need for more income to make ends meet.
    I never meant to cast a dark shadow upon such overworked souls.
    Peace.

  21. Wouldn’t this have been a non subject if the police had been called directly to the scene of “abuse”.
    You witness an event that disturbs you, you feel a child is in “danger” yet you report it anonymously not even to the police but to a group of people who can really do nothing about it, not even the parents? No one can investigate this.
    Instead we have people blaming the parents, commenting on the look of a nanny who may very well wear removable teeth embellishmenats.
    This gossip has not helped a potential child in need!
    NO wrath toward the people who stood by, participated in the abuse so courageously by their inaction?
    We give this our time by contemplating woman with children in the work place? Shame on you-who don’t come forward at the time and place. Are you afraid of lawsuit if you take an action, or are you afraid that those pointing fingers might in turn , turn on you?

  22. Pork Roll:
    1. troll :One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup or message board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument.
    –urbandictionary.com

  23. Sandy, you are usually a pretty thoughtful poster, though I seldom agree with your political views. But really, is it “dangerous” to post anything other than “ultra-liberal” views here? From where I sit, the regulra posters like you, cathar, ROC, Iceman, Miss Martta, etc. have pretty conservative views — and you all express them quite well and with a great dela of humour as well as insight. I’ve thought of several issues in a new light after reading some of those posts. I really don’t see how you can say that this site is overwhelmingly leftie.

  24. “And, dear fellow Baristavillians, you are sufficiently sophisticated to understand that merely stating one’s opinion here does not equate to telling “other people how to live their lives and raise their families”, aren’t you?”
    Pork Roll – I disagree. To quote Sandy
    “..the Mom gave up that choice when she decided to become a Mom. Being a Mom, is her #1 job. She owes that to her children. That IS her obligation. When her youngest goes of to college, then she can re-enter the work force full time, and devote her energy & time to that.”
    This is PRECISELY telling others how they should raise their children, not merely a statement of preference or choice. While this may be the way that Sandy and his family chose to do it, to insinuate that others who do not follow this blueprint are bad parents is insulting.
    And I will leave it to the other readers to decide if Sandy was being judgmental:
    “But, when I see folks living in a million dollar ++ house, with a nanny like this example, ‘ya gotta wonder why the adults don’t sell the thing and relocate to a house costing 1/2 (or less) with 1/2 (or less) the tax burden so the the wife can stay at home and be a full time Mommy. Why? Because, from the examples that I have meet, they are so full of themselves, and all of the goodies that they have purchased, that it becomes an obsession to have everything that every “friend” has…and that’s one heck of alot of “stuff” ~ and all that “stuff” clouds their intelligence as to the real job that they need to do, and that’s called parenting.”
    So to put it simply, if two parents both work and live in a nice home, they are are arrogant, greedy, shallow, misguided, and just plain bad parents. Period.

  25. Yup, I used each & every one of these words in what I wrote. Some I used twice !
    arrogant, greedy, shallow, misguided, and just plain bad parents.
    Actually I neither used, nor thought them ! YOU USED THEM
    I said that they value material possesions more than they should and many (not all) are employed just to afford more & more & more “stuff” – therby needing nannies to raise their children. NOT ALL !

  26. he Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee…
    When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
    in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of
    coffee…
    A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
    front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
    large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf
    balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
    that it was.
    The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
    jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
    between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar
    was full. They agreed it was.
    The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
    Of course, the sand f filled up everything else. He asked once more if
    the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.”
    The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
    and poure d the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the
    empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
    “Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, ” I want you to
    recognize that this jar represents your life.
    The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your
    children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions —
    things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your
    life would still be full.
    The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your
    house, and your car.
    The sand is everything else — the small stuff.
    “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no
    room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you
    spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have
    room for the things t hat a re important to you.
    Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness . Play
    with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
    partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to
    clean the house and fix the disposal.”
    Take care of the golf balls first — the things that really matter.
    Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
    One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
    represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes
    to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always
    room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

  27. i have that hanging in my cube @ work…puts things into perspective when you really need it the most.

  28. Was on a lunch break at work when I last posted and I’m just getting back to Baristanet. I was enjoying the exchange and wanted to see what had transpired since.
    1st, Robin I did get that you were joking and thought that I was too. That’s the problem with writing – I haven’t mastered how to convey “droll”.
    Sandy, I’m sorry you thought I put words in your mouth but apparently I wasn’t the only one who heard “bad mother” on reading your posts. You sound much like my very old-fashioned father (and mother) who believe it’s the man’s job to take care of the family financially and the woman’s job to take care of the home. Yes, I have a problem with their point of view and I’ve lived my life accordingly. I don’t think it’s defensiveness as someone else suggested. I long ago passed the rebellious phase. Believing this is not politically incorrect, but stating it in such a way that it is insulting to those of us who think otherwise is.
    Finally, thanks Y.A. Duck for the story. It really says it all.

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