Selfish Gardener Uproots Irises

Early morning on Memorial Day, before the crowds descended upon the bloomfest, a vandal looking for some free heirloom irises paid a visit to Baristaville’s Presby Iris Gardens. The new wrought iron fence along Upper Mountain Avenue was no deterrent to the mystery visitor who bagged five irises, was apparently scared away, and dropped the goods when fleeing the scene of the crime. From The Star Ledger:

“Somebody must have been ‘shopping’,” said Linda Sercus, the garden director. “Maybe somebody spotted them, and they ran. But good grief!”
“How can you be so self-centered?” Sercus said of anyone who would uproot the irises, especially so close to the peak blooming season.

Although the garden hit is bizarre and damage was slight, the vandalism brought back memories of “iris-cide” which rocked the community three years ago.

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34 COMMENTS

  1. You’ve never gotten an iris massage, hrhppg? You haven’t lived until you’ve been rubbed down by those petals. Oh, bay-be.
    The media coverage of these incidents only perpetuates copycat crimes. Baristanet is guilty and its editors should be jailed. In the meantime let’s all form a human chain around the irises. After all, a civilization is judged by how it protects its flowers.

  2. I think the worst copycat crime conceivable, at this specific juncture in history in Baristaville, would be another arch post similar to walleroo’s above. (And for such a predictably all-too-easy foil as hrhppg, at that.)

  3. It’s sad that some selfish, lazy, cheap f**ktard living in Baristaville has to steal rare plants to enrich his own pathetic life. If there’s any karma in the world, he’ll come down with a bad case of poison ivy.

  4. I take that to mean you won’t be in the human chain, cathar.
    F**cktard? Never heard of that one before.

  5. “‘How can you be so self-centered?’Sercus said of anyone who would uproot the irises, especially so close to the peak blooming season.”
    Because someone not so self-centered would wait until AFTER peak blooming season.

  6. Miss M, the Ledger article says suspect used a shopping bag from a NY based store, so it may not be a Baristaville resident who is the culprit.

  7. Walleroo, of course I am in the human chain which sings “Kumbaya” at the drop of one’s dog-eared subscription copy of “The Nation” or that week’s bulletin from one’s Unitarian meetinghouse. It is ever thus, and absolute shame on you for thinking otherwise.
    But as the Fantastic Baggys (a group both included both P.F. Soan and Bruce Johnston) also once pointed out, “Summer Means Fun!” So no “chains” of this sort for me, nosirree. And I’d only get a massage from an iris if all other local venues for same were closed (as seems to be the reality lately. come to think of it salaciously.)

  8. Figures: “tan-colored plastic shopping bag…”
    No self-respecting Baristaville shopper would be seen with plastic.
    The culprit is clearly not one of us!

  9. “…the Ledger article says suspect used a shopping bag from a NY based store, so it may not be a Baristaville resident who is the culprit.”
    I have plenty of Duane Reade, Ann Taylor Loft (I need a 12-step program now!) and other New York-based shopping bags in my home as well. Doesn’t mean a thing. Guess we’ll know if and when he’s caught.

  10. I’m reasonably confident, Annette, that at least some Baristaville residents occassionally shop in NYC. Perhaps even at someplace as prosaic as Duane Reade.
    You don’t exactly sound like Sherlock Holmes here, in other words.

  11. But MM, it was plastic.
    And we don’t do plastic ’round here!
    But then again, perhaps, just perhaps, since the culprit has “re-purposed” the plastic bag to steal– maybe he IS one of us……
    (prof’s recycled plastic theory…)

  12. The new wrought iron fence “temporary” aluminum fence along Upper Mountain Avenue was no deterrent to the mystery visitor who bagged five irises.
    Fixed that for you.

  13. But it seems like he was on foot…. So maybe, despite his lack of a hemp bag, he was one of us.

  14. I wasn’t trying to make light. This type of crime has happened before – in Anderson Park shrubs were taken after an expensive re-design. At the time the police were so busy chasing after kids on skateboards. It was a forum here and I was annoyed then as well.
    Now we?re being vandalized again, and we?re on the brink of another home burglary season and the cops are too busy to handle it because they are under cover at massage places. That chaps my butt!
    My comment before was to express my upset at what I considered skewed priorities. But I guess not being part of the actual community it?s easy to make flippant comments over the fence.

  15. He probably really escaped via the newly voguish form of transport in Montclair (thanks to the recent election), prof. Via a “mountain bike” worth thousands of dollars.
    Our only hope for tracking him is thus that he snagged his spandex on a fence post, which will allow for a fabric match.

  16. I suspect Mildred Presby herself. Still seething with rage at her father for bestowing such a horrible moniker on her at birth, she set out to remove all traces of the offending name from the Garden. She was interrupted by a MPD cruiser racing to a massage parlor, and she dropped the bag and fled into the reservation, there to plot a return to finish the job.
    She was heard to shout, while fleeing:
    “And we get to pay two pensions!”

  17. My first reaction to this was thinking “Electrify the fence!”
    But in all seriousness, wouldn’t the Gardens have enough followers to have volunteers willing to pull shifts — during the flowering season?

  18. At least we’re not paying her two pensions or an extra 6 months salary in severance.
    Had we not been it might have been easy to have another cop on patrol oin the overnight shiftr.

  19. Relax, hrhppg, your comment was fine. We’re just trying to have a little fun, not at your expense.

  20. This is quite the group of malicious women. I am a female student at the High School and I am not even as bitchy as the majority of the people commenting on this. First of all, everyone who made a parodistical comment mocking the Iris Gardens obviously have no life. The people that help there dedicate THEIR time to help beautify the town and have helped to rectify a historical site for the better of everyone else. So get your jealous ass off of your high ass pedestal, because you do nto have the dedication to volunteer for something. Secondly, it is not “hogging” the police department’s time. When something is stolen or vandalized money is lost. It is really hard for the Iris Gardens to come up with money; I am sure, because it is not given money from the town. It is comical looking at some of the arguments you “adults” get into on this site. Actually, it is hilarious. Grow up.

  21. This is quite the group of malicious women. I am a female student at the High School and I am not even as bitchy as the majority of the people commenting on this. First of all, everyone who made a parodistical comment mocking the Iris Gardens obviously have no life. The people that help there dedicate THEIR time to help beautify the town and have helped to rectify a historical site for the better of everyone else. So get your jealous ass off of your high ass pedestal, because you do nto have the dedication to volunteer for something. Secondly, it is not “hogging” the police department’s time. When something is stolen or vandalized money is lost. It is really hard for the Iris Gardens to come up with money; I am sure, because it is not given money from the town. It is comical looking at some of the arguments you “adults” get into on this site. Actually, it is hilarious. Grow up.

  22. This is quite the group of malicious women. I am a female student at the High School and I am not even as bitchy as the majority of the people commenting on this. First of all, everyone who made a parodistical comment mocking the Iris Gardens obviously have no life. The people that help there dedicate THEIR time to help beautify the town and have helped to rectify a historical site for the better of everyone else. So get your jealous ass off of your high ass pedestal, because you do nto have the dedication to volunteer for something. Secondly, it is not “hogging” the police department’s time. When something is stolen or vandalized money is lost. It is really hard for the Iris Gardens to come up with money; I am sure, because it is not given money from the town. It is comical looking at some of the arguments you “adults” get into on this site. Actually, it is hilarious. Grow up.

  23. This is quite the group of malicious women. I am a female student at the High School and I am not even as bitchy as the majority of the people commenting on this. First of all, everyone who made a parodistical comment mocking the Iris Gardens obviously have no life. The people that help there dedicate THEIR time to help beautify the town and have helped to rectify a historical site for the better of everyone else. So get your jealous ass off of your high ass pedestal, because you do nto have the dedication to volunteer for something. Secondly, it is not “hogging” the police department’s time. When something is stolen or vandalized money is lost. It is really hard for the Iris Gardens to come up with money; I am sure, because it is not given money from the town. It is comical looking at some of the arguments you “adults” get into on this site. Actually, it is hilarious. Grow up.

  24. This is quite the group of malicious women. I am a female student at the High School and I am not even as bitchy as the majority of the people commenting on this. First of all, everyone who made a parodistical comment mocking the Iris Gardens obviously have no life. The people that help there dedicate THEIR time to help beautify the town and have helped to rectify a historical site for the better of everyone else. So get your jealous ass off of your high ass pedestal, because you do nto have the dedication to volunteer for something. Secondly, it is not “hogging” the police department’s time. When something is stolen or vandalized money is lost. It is really hard for the Iris Gardens to come up with money; I am sure, because it is not given money from the town. It is comical looking at some of the arguments you “adults” get into on this site. Actually, it is hilarious. Grow up.

  25. Who’s mocking the Iris Gardens? I didn’t pick up on that. Most people want to see the culprit caught and prosecuted. Is this the best MHS can do?

  26. Dear mhs, your passion and earnestness are commendable, but you really need to get out more. You think this thread is obnoxious? You’ve obviously never read the thread on Drums of Thunder. Have a look at that one and you may conclude it’s best to pick your battles more carefully.

  27. Thanks for the advice. I actually see your point, too. This was quite a random battle. It was just a few down the line in battles I have observed on this site (I just started looking at it) and figured this was a good thread to disect a battle on! I guess it wasn’t right yet…moving on!!! And please, excuse my profanity; I was kidding.

  28. No problem. I’m not sure ass even counts as profanity any more. And it’s okay to try on personas here. That’s what we’re all doing, really, and when we find one we like we stick with it, sometimes.

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