Rosh Hoshana for Dummies (Reprise)

As usual, a little Rosh Hoshana education can be useful to guide the non-Chosen through the political correctness minefield of the next 10 days. Rosh Hoshana starts tonight (Monday) at sundown. Here are some RH FAQ, which we first ran in 2006.
Is Rosh Hoshana the most important day of the Jewish calendar?
God starts deciding whether you should live or die in the coming year. So, yeah, pretty important.


What about Yom Kippur?
That’s when God finishes deciding.

rh.PNGI hear it’s the Jewish New Year. Do people get drunk? Is it ok to set off celebratory fireworks on my Jewish friends’ doorsteps.
It is the Jewish New Year, but it’s not that kind of New Year. The celebration is marked by apples, honey and long hours in the synagogue, asking forgiveness for everything you did wrong the previous year.
What are High Holiday tickets?
High Holiday tickets are a way of making sure that Jews who only go to synagogue when God is deciding whether they live and die don’t get a free ride from all the Jews who pay synagogue dues when God is on regular duty.
Is it ok to schedule sidewalk sales, first days of dance class, etc on Rosh Hoshana or Yom Kippur?
Jews don’t expect the whole world to stop having fun just because they’re clocking long hard hours atoning. On the other hand, they don’t want you to have too much fun without them.

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27 COMMENTS

  1. For an omniscient and omnipotent being, God sure takes his sweet time in deciding who lives and who dies.
    Then again, I suppose it’s a long list he has to go thru.

  2. Then again, I suppose it’s a long list he has to go thru.
    At least he doesn’t have to check it twice. That’s why it takes Santa all frickin’ year to decide who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.

  3. L’Shanah Tovah!
    May you be inscribed in the book of life – in health – for the coming year!
    OY VEY, MAY I MAKE IT THROUGH THE SERMON.
    Did anyone see the hysterical 40 second spiff on the web of the guy scalping Yom Kippur tickets ? I wet my pants watching that. Did ‘ya see the credits? Like what? 60 people involved in making that !??! Definately the funniest thing I’ve seen on the web in a long time.

  4. Rosh Hashana is OK, if you like two days of synagogue in a row.
    Yom Kippur is worse. No food, no drink, no sex. Supposedly that part is good for your soul. I wonder…
    Although, Jews do get to see their extended families for dinner and, that part is very good, if your family is pleasant.
    I’m fine without the prayer part. It’s like Woody Allen says, “God is an underachiever.” God seems to be missing in action most of the time. Reminds me of W.

  5. How about some equality for religions. The federal government is closed for most Christian holidays. Schools are closed for most Jewish holidays. Why shouldn’t we also get the day off work and school for the official FSM holidays like Holy Day of Pasta, Meatball Worship Day of Mass, and Bow to His Noodley Appendage Day.
    Stand up for equality in religion!

  6. Although no one’s mentioned it, we also happen to be right gobsmack in the middle of Ramadan. (Which appears to be a slow news lunar period.)

  7. I wish my husband’s employer a “Sweet New Year” and hope he’ll atone for being an “arrogant, back stabbing, last minute notice, better find yourself another job, with no conscience” type of person!
    I’m not bitter. I just need some sweet kugel!!!

  8. cathar “Although no one’s mentioned it, we also happen to be right gobsmack in the middle of Ramadan.”
    Sorry that’s wrong; we’ll have to move on to our next contestant.
    Iceman “cathar…isn’t ramamdan over…?”
    Well, you’re both wrong, it actually hasn’t started yet.
    From the Idiots Guide to Ramadhan
    When does the month begin, is it the whole of October?
    Islamic months follow the lunar calendar, in the same tradition as the Jewish community. Therefore, in relation to the solar, or Gregorian, calendar, Islamic and Jewish months will annually differ by around 11 to 12 days. This means Islamic events will always fall roughly around the same time in the Islamic calendar but always on a different date in the mainstream solar calendar. This year, Ramadhan begins in the first week of October, depending on the sighting of the moon, and will end approximately 30 days after, sometime in the first week of November when Muslims conclude the month with festivities and celebrate Eid.

  9. As Rosanrosanadana would say, sorry.
    I picked that site because of the title, but though the date of the page is current the article is a reprint from 2005. (Wish they had put that at the top. So, BLKAAAT, wrong.)
    It actually is pretty much following September this year.

  10. I am praying.
    I am praying for NO rain!
    For we normally have to park at least – at a minimum – 6 to 7 blocks away from the entrance to the Synagogue, and hike back. So, ‘ya bet your sweet bippy I am praying for no rain ! 🙂
    I think the parking lot holds like 150 cars and that fills up in 15 minutes. Peace & Love to all.

  11. Ramadan is not over yet as of this writing, Iceman. Nor was your remark about the Columbia football season terribly welcome.
    Was that post even really you? Three times in one minute? With one post slightly different? Looked fishy to me, Ice.
    Pokey, we’re well into Ramadan. It just depends on which imam-cum-astronomer you go by.

  12. Eid l’Fitr, the faest marking the end of Ramadan, is tomorrow.
    It starts officially when Ayman al-Zahari sees his shadow.

  13. I even use those Eid stamps for a week or two, comes “the season!”
    (It’s better than submitting to Sh’aria in court matters, after all.)

  14. Today is the Holiday for Muslims. Can’t believe no one would wish our readers a Happy Holiday for that! What kind of people are you?

  15. Okay. For all those celebrating Ramadan or Rosh Hoshanah, may it be a wonderful holyday for you & yours, and in good health.

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