Pets, as all animal lovers know, enhance a household in uncountable ways. And when children are also in the picture, pets become instant playmates, companions and even teaching tools. Our daughter learned to be gentle with our cats, to recognize when they needed space and to appreciate the responsibility of their care. Sadly, with the passing of our two cats over the course of the past year, she has also learned some harder lessons.
When our cat Rosie died, our daughter was just 2.5 years old. Her death was a shock. We had just had our second child, our son, and I was shuffling through my days in a sleep-deprived fog tending to our children’s seemingly endless needs and honestly not really thinking about the cats. Then one day I noticed Rosie wasn’t looking so good. Her decline was rapid, and the end came fast. I didn’t have the time nor the emotional wherewithal to prepare myself to prepare our daughter. In the end I improvised.
“Rosie’s gone, Sweetie,” I remember telling her.
“Where is she?” she responded.
“I don’t know, but she’s not coming back,” I flubbed.
In the months that followed our daughter would often bring Rosie up. She wanted to know where she was and why she wasn’t coming back. She even suggested once that Rosie left because of something she did. I assured her this was not the case. But I still felt I lacked the means, the vocabulary even, to explain to her what exactly happened.
Death as a concept seemed impossible to distill to a preschooler’s level. And I was daunted with the task that was suddenly looming ahead of me again as I noticed Cat #2, Kallyope, showing signs of decline. This time I was determined to be more prepared for both our cat’s sake as well as our daughter’s who was now 3-years-old and much more emotionally and intellectually tuned into the world. So while ensuring our cat’s comfort as best as I could, I also took some time to do some research.
There’s a wealth of helpful information on the internet. First off, I learned that I was going to need to be more direct this time around. Babycenter.com in their article “How to Talk to Your Preschooler About Death,” advises parents to avoid euphemisms that will only serve to confuse a child. For example, by telling children their pet “is sleeping” or as I did with Rosie, “has gone away,” unpleasant associations with those activities may develop. Likewise you may want to proceed with caution before introducing God and/or heaven to the conversation. Though these may be a part of your belief system, to a preschooler’s mind these larger concepts may be confusing and may be ultimately perceived as negative. In other words, God took Spot or heaven’s the place where Fluffy went and never came back could potentially be the take-away for a preschooler.
Tuli Patel, the Director of Religious Education at the Summit Unitarian Church, was an invaluable resource for our family through this difficult time. She also recommends straight talk when dealing with tough topics.
“Most children are aware of death,” she explained. “They have seen squashed bugs and stepped on ants. The natural world is very up close and personal for children. The passing of a family pet might be a difficult topic if hushed up and not faced squarely. It’s important to let kids know that death is natural and happens to us all.”
She also advises that parents recognize the loss on an individual level while using that as springboard for the larger truth that death is something we must all experience, “First, you have acknowledge the personal,” she said. “Then quickly move to the universal so they know that they are not alone.”
So this time when the moment came I felt ready. I didn’t shy from using the word “dead.” I conceded that all living things must one day die. I kept it as simple as I could while acknowledging the sadness I was feeling. She seemed to understand.
“Now we don’t have anyone to pet,” she responded.
As with Rosie, Kallyope’s death would come up, usually at unexpected moments. This is something the Babycenter article indicated might happen. One day I found our daughter curled up on the chair where Kallyope spent her last days. I asked her what she was doing.
“I’m pretending I’m Kallyope, Mommy,” she answered matter-of-factly. “I’m getting ready to die.”
I cringed, but had to acknowledge that this was all part of the healthy process of her processing death. According to Dr. Patel, “Trauma or other difficulties might be manifested with silence and a resistance to want to communicate.” So this was a good thing despite how difficult it was for me to witness.
“I’ll be sad when you die, Mommy,” she said one day at lunch. Again I had to suppress my natural instinct to launch into a deep discussion on the nature of death, and instead agreed that any death is a sad event.
Now that spring is here, we plan to memorialize Rose and Kallyope with something special in the garden. Though I don’t want my daughter dwelling on their deaths, it is important to me that she also not forget our much loved kitties.
Other resources
Books have always been a helpful resource when dealing with our daughter’s major transitions. We turned to them during potty training, to prepare our daughter for our son’s arrival and even to help her cope with and better understand Kallyope’s death. Here are some titles that Dr. Patel recommends:
- The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst
- The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia
- I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Pat Thomas
- What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? By Trevor Romain