Name That Black Bear Cocktail

bear4 openSo a black bear walks into a bar (our sources tell us it was Upstairs) and he says to the bartender, “I would like to order a drink.” The bartender says, “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t serve black bears.” The bear grumbles, tells the bartender to go “f” himself and leaves.

The bear walks across town, trying to shake his police escort, and sees the Pig and Prince sign. He says to himself, “Hey, this place likes pigs, so hopefully they will be bear friendly.” The bear walks in and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I’m sorry sir but we don’t serve black bears in here.” Then he point to a sign over the bar that reads  “Shirts and shoes required, no black bears.” The bear is outraged and shouts at the bartender, “You have got to be kidding me?” He starts to point at different tables, “There is a table of mangy coyotes,  some foxes, the bar area is packed with wild turkeys, and what about that table full of drunken cicadas? I could hear them singing before I walked in the door. But you won’t serve black bears?” The bear tells the bartenders to go screw and stomps out.

The bear crosses the street and sees the DLV and hopes they might be less picky about their clientele. He sits at the bar and orders a drink. Again the bartender says, “I’m sorry pal, but we don’t serve black bears.” The bear snaps and shouts, “Listen here, I have been refused service all over town! If you don’t give me a drink, I am going to eat someone!” The bartender says, “Hey, I’m sorry pal, I don’t make the rules.” The bear sees this tarted-up pit bull mix at the end of the bar. He stomps over, picks her up and eats her. He then smiles and says to the bartender, “Now I would like that drink.” The bartender then says, “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t serve black bears on drugs.” The bear shakes his head and says, “What? I’M NOT ON DRUGS!” The bartender points at the place where the pit bull was sitting and says, “Pal, that was the bar-bitch-you-ate.”

Two, three, four — is this thing on?  Bar-bitch-you-ate…barbiturate, get it?

Who needs a bear themed cocktail? We do. When do we need it? Now. Who loves black cherries? Bears.

This cocktail is a mojito spin off. Always pronounce it mo-jit-to and if someone corrects you, tell them that pronouncing the word ‘mo-hee-to’ was a PR ploy pumped up by the liquor companies to make this drink, originally made in Ohio, sound exotic. If they look it up on their phone and start to tell you otherwise, point over their shoulder and shout, “BEAR! EVERYBODY PANIC!” Then make a run for it.

Here’s how to mix it up:


  • White rum
  • St. Germain
  • Black Cherry juice
  • Limes
  • Bing cherries pitted
  • Mint

bear2openFor one cocktail:
Mix two parts rum, one part St. Germain and one part black cherry juice. Squeeze one half of a lime into the drink, add a few cherries and muddle them a bit, then add a few leaves of chopped mint. Stir well and add then add ice.
For a larger batch:
Mix two parts rum, one part St. Germain and one part black cherry juice. Add your pitted cherries to your vessel of choice so they cover the bottom and come up couple inches. Add fresh lime to taste and serve the ice on the side as not to water this baby down. If serving this on a hot summer day it is nice to add some chilled seltzer as well.

Now if you can bear it, this cocktail needs a name. Let the bear puns fly!


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  1. Bear Wellington. And three whole paragraphs before you hit the Shaggy Bear punchline?I truly do admire you, Holly. Brava!

  2. Whoa!! Those arrows shot me down!

    That mint looks like holly, so in honor of the Barista, black bears as actors……. The Holly Beary

  3. Thanks, Spiro. Someday, we’ll have a Name That Haband Drink! It will be:

    Beary, Beary Good!

  4. Since the bears have been roaming in Soprano territory: The Bada-Bing. The alternate bear themed name would be the Beary Bing.

  5. anybody try this yet? The War Dept. looking for a summer drink and just cant pin one down this any good?

  6. Herb- I served this at the teacher Toast I held last Friday and the parents went wacky for it.

    Save the boozy cherries from one batch and use them for the next batch.

    You can get the black cherry juice at Whole Foods.

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