MontClairVoyant: For Those Keeping Score, You’ll Recognize Montclair in 4034

BY  |  Thursday, May 18, 2017 1:27pm

MontClairVoyant

 

 
DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Two weeks ago, your column was set in the Montclair of 2017 BC. How about a column set in the Montclair of 4034 AD?

Sincerely,
Adie in 2017 AD

This IS 4034, Adie, meaning you’re more than 2,000 years old. Nice run collecting Social Security!

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
It’s also been 2,000-plus years since Rodney Frelinghuysen was hit with an ethics complaint for threatening Saily Avelenda’s bank job because she was a NJ 11th for Change member critical of the then-congressman. The result?

Sincerely,
Upper Montclair’s Preppy Rep

The Frelinghuysen family’s political dynasty ended soon after, but Republicans still thrill to the “Mr. Rodney’s Neighborhood” episode in which cute puppets are deprived of health care.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Ah yes, Rodney’s vote for the awful Trumpcare. Why have public schools disappeared from Montclair in 4034?

Sincerely,
Nisha Waned

Betsy DeVos and dozens of her equally atrocious Education Secretary successors (such as Etsy and Metsy DeVos) pushed school “choice” so much that Montclair students are bused each day to different planets.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
My daughter will be entering kindergarten this September, and I’m trying to figure out her bus route. Can you help?

Sincerely,
Go Mars Mounties!

Board on Gordonhurst, right turn on Park, left on Lorraine, right on Valley, upward 2.7 billion miles to Neptune.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
What about the afternoon return trip?

Sincerely,
P.M. Ride II

Students are driven past Jupiter, aka Big Soccer Ball.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Despite our school district being spread throughout the Solar System, Montclair still has a local superintendent in 4034. Thoughts?

Sincerely,
Lea Durr-Shipp

More than a thousand interim superintendents since 2015 — with some hired after search firms found them in George Inness Annex vending machines.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
I found a printout of an ancient story about May 2017 layoff notices sent to revered staffers — including many paraprofessionals, Montclair High’s athletic director, Nishuane’s assistant principal, and others. What say you?

Sincerely,
Feeling Down About Downsizing

People back then rightly blamed Chris Christie’s local-tax-hike cap and his underfunding of state aid to school districts. I heard the then-governor was also guilty of something called “Bridgegate,” which I assume involved impersonating a dentist.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Hopefully, all the money freed up by 2017 retirements was used to rehire some of those staffers. Returning to 4034, Montclair is now totally overbuilt except for one square inch a developer just snapped up. What will rise on that tiny tract?

Sincerely,
Another Brick in the Small

A very thin 100-story skyscraper for two thousand people, with a 103rd-floor observation deck balanced on a particularly crispy French fry.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
How the heck will two thousand people live in a one-square-inch building?

Sincerely,
Pearson Math Worksheet Alert!

Duh — a thousand in the lower 50 floors and a thousand in the upper 50 floors.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Back in 2017, the idea of one big Montclair pool was suggested. Glad?

Sincerely,
Lois Lanes

It’s nice that everyone’s swimming in one place since the three former pools were paved over in 3025, but does it have to be in my bathtub?

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

For a column set in 4034, you’re sure talking a lot about things in 2017. Why?

Sincerely,
Jetson DeVos

All those flying cars are a bit distracting.

 
 

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

 

 

 

 

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Featured Comment

Sad. Let's hope that this is not its "Last Tango." One of the most beautiful and iconic buildings in town. Valentino, Garbo, Keaton must have played there.

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