MontClairVoyant: Montclair Was a Strange Yet Familiar Place 4,000 Years Ago

BY  |  Thursday, May 04, 2017 1:00pm  |  COMMENTS (0)

MontClairVoyant
 

 
DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
With Trump and other far-right Republicans setting back humanity countless years, wouldn’t this be a good time to reprint your first “Montclairvoyant” column?

Sincerely,
G.O. Peeved

Yes! It’s from 2017 BC, when Lenape citizens couldn’t get Grunt R. Frelinghuysen to hold a “cave hall” meeting. Here’s that column from 4,034 years ago, when my hair was slightly less gray:
 

 
DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Why did the Planning Board allow developer Oog V. Oog to build eight mud huts where a twig hut now stands on Unpleasant Dirt Lane?

Sincerely,
Shack O’Neal

I sought an answer after riding my Prius donkey to 205 Claremont Path, but all I saw was primeval forest that won’t be relocated to Lackawanna Plaza.
 

 
DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Speaking of LP in this year of 2017 BC, a May 7 rally is planned to urge that the old Bathbark be replaced with a full-service bazaar. Would it sell rudimentary stone tools, mastodon meat, and takeout dinosaur burritos?

Sincerely,
Shopping Rites

Any full-service bazaar would, but the food you mentioned makes vegetarians like me gag. Besides, mastodons and dinosaurs are extinct, so check the expiration date on that burrito…
 

 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
On April 26, a group using the Glen Ridge Chariot Club exploded “Ben-Hur” DVDs after 9:30 p.m., waking up many kids on a school night. Any consequences?

Sincerely,
Chariots of Fireworks

The exploding DVDs created 18 holes, and golf was born.
 

 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Montclair’s Fire Department reportedly pre-approved the GRCC explosions. Was that a good idea?

Sincerely,
Ben-Hur, Done That

The “Ben-Hur” DVDs were taking library space from the hit coffee-table book “Togas I Have Known.”
 

 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Horses are starting to be domesticated in 2017 BC. Where are we gonna put them?

Sincerely,
Pony Soprano

In the Neigh Street Parking Deck.
 

 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
It’s May in Montclair?

Sincerely,
Tulips Lautrec

No, it’s Neigh in Montclair.
 

 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Hmm…the history in today’s column seems a bit off. What about those time-wasting PARCC tests?

Sincerely,
Bad Pearson-ality

The Chromebooks were in working order, but there was a problem with electricity not yet being invented.
 

 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Another 2017 BC problem is Grunt R. Frelinghuysen’s silence on the new Chumpcare plan that would leave even more people without medical insurance than the previous Chumpcare plan Grunt opposed.

Sincerely,
The Sick and the Dead

Grunt has lately served the far right far more than his own constituents, so he needs to be ousted…as soon as Montclair and other 11th District towns find places to put voting booths. Perhaps by building some schools with gyms?

 

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Baristanet Comment Policy:

Baristanet has specific guidelines for commenting. To avoid having your comment deleted -- or your commenting privileges revoked -- read this before you comment. Violators will be banned from commenting.

Report a comment that violates the guidelines to [email protected] For trouble with registration or commenting, write to [email protected]

Commenters on Baristanet.com are responsible for all legal consequences arising from their comments, including libel, infringement of copyright or actions that threaten a third party. By submitting a comment, you agree to indemnify Baristanet LLC, its partners and employees from any legal action arising from your comments.

In order to comment on the new system, you need to register a new Baristanet account. To get your own avatar next to your comments, sign up at Gravatar.com

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Featured Comment

Another "ground-level basement" (to get around the building height rules)?!

Tip, Follow, Friend, Subscribe