MontClairVoyant: A Back-to-School Column That’s Not a Back-to-School Column

Thursday, Aug 31, 2017 1:30pm  |  COMMENTS (8)

 
 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
School starts in one week! Write a column about school starting in one week!

Sincerely,
A Touch of Classroom

Ain’t happening. Students want to enjoy the rest of summer break without reading about school, thinking about school, or watching the “Back to School” DVD — currently being flung out of Montclair windows everywhere.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Rodney Dangerfield still gets no respect. What about those now-online-only school forms?

Sincerely,
Jen A. Sis

I said no school talk! Fill out those forms on cave walls for all I care and haul them to 22 Valley Road.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Meanwhile, the superintendent search continues…and continues…and continues. Will pigs fly before we have a new one?

Sincerely,
Interminable Interim Interlude

No. School. Talk. Besides, pigs can fly any time they want after buying a plane ticket — and they also enjoy riding luggage carousels.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Some Montclair school personnel have been rehired but many have not after the brutal budget cuts this spring. Aren’t layoffs and employment instability awful?

Sincerely,
The Life of Jobs

La la la — I can’t hear you. You’re talking school again. Let’s just be upfront about the way things work and change the name of Labor Day to Management Day.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
With his stingy education funding and local tax hike cap, the virulently anti-public school/pro-charter school Gov. Christie is more to blame than Montclair “management” for layoffs, right?

Sincerely,
A Chris Is As Good As a Vile

If you ask another school-related question, I’ll…I’ll…send you to a closed state beach for Labor Day Weekend where you’ll blissfully have the whole place to yourself. Call Amnesty International if you must.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Christie will no longer be governor in a few months. Won’t that be much better for public schools?

Sincerely,
Good Riddance

Yes, but I repeat: Discussion of schools is off the table this week — as is talk about Montclair school buses. “The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round…all through the town.” Did Metallica cover that song? If not, why not?

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
According to the Board of Education calendar, the next BOE meeting is September 6.

Sincerely,
For Attendees, Chairs Will Be Theirs

ANOTHER school-related mention. Couldn’t you wait until my September 7 column to say that the September 6 meeting is coming up?

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
On September 26, Hillary Clinton is scheduled to sign her new campaign memoir at a Montclair bookstore that partly shares the name of Watchung School. Comment?

Sincerely,
The Centrist Is Coming!

Why did you mention a school? And I’d rather meet a progressive, non-corporate politician like Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, or Maxine Waters. Or any of the wonderful educators who teach in Montclair’s…um…word that begins with “s.”

 

 
 

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

 

 

 

8 Comments

  1. POSTED BY silverleaf  |  September 05, 2017 @ 9:29 am

    DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

    Sept. 6th can’t come soon enough.

    Regards,

    Bored of Education

  2. POSTED BY daveastor  |  September 05, 2017 @ 2:28 pm

    Ha, silverleaf! Thank you! My response:

    DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

    Sept. 6th can’t come soon enough.

    Regards,

    Bored of Education

    Given that September 6 is the 101st anniversary of the first Piggly Wiggly supermarket, I eagerly await that day as well. 🙂

  3. POSTED BY silverleaf  |  September 05, 2017 @ 2:34 pm

    JD Salinger’s favorite supermarket, Uncle Piggly Wiggly in Connecticut.

  4. POSTED BY daveastor  |  September 05, 2017 @ 3:06 pm

    LOL! Good one!

    I just read on Wikipedia (where I previously found the mention of the Piggly Wiggly anniversary) that Salinger’s “Uncle Wiggily in Connecticut” short story became his only work to have an authorized movie adaptation. But the “My Foolish Heart” film ended up so different from the story that Salinger got disgusted with Hollywood.

    That was all possibly connected to the fact that, decades later, the makers of “Field of Dreams” were too worried about a lawsuit to include the references to Salinger from that movie’s source novel, W.P. Kinsella’s “Shoeless Joe.”

  5. POSTED BY silverleaf  |  September 07, 2017 @ 1:26 pm

    “Shoeless Joe” Jackson he got his nickname during a game played in the old Carolina Association. He had formed blisters on his feet from a new pair of cleats, which hurt so much that he took them off during play. As he was circling the bases, an opposing fan took notice and shouted “You shoeless son of a gun, you!” A trip to Fleet Feet on Bloomfield would have been in order, that is if could have found a parking space!

  6. POSTED BY daveastor  |  September 07, 2017 @ 1:50 pm

    Thanks for that interesting info, silverleaf! Very funny ending to your comment, too. 🙂 Given Shoeless Joe’s nickname, I suppose he could have gone somewhere in Montclair for a pedicure if he decided to skip Fleet Feet…

    Seriously, I think “Shoeless Joe” Jackson should be in baseball’s Hall of Fame. Third-highest lifetime batting average (behind Ty Cobb and Rogers Hornsby), and almost everything I’ve read indicates he was not involved or only marginally involved in the infamous throwing of the 1919 World Series. Heck, the guy batted .375 in those games. Apparently he was also illiterate, and might not have fully understood what was going on with the “Black Sox Scandal.”

  7. POSTED BY Spiro T. Quayle  |  September 08, 2017 @ 3:56 pm

    On the other hand, these back to school columns are, in fact, back to school columns.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Montclair_High_School_(New_Jersey)#/media/File:MontclairHigh_MainFront.JPG

  8. POSTED BY daveastor  |  September 08, 2017 @ 4:06 pm

    That’s hilarious, Spiro! Thanks!

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