MontClairVoyant: A Sincere Tribute to Teachers Before This Column Jumps the Shark

BY  |  Thursday, Sep 07, 2017 1:15pm  |  COMMENTS (0)


 
 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
With school starting today in Montclair, I’d like to note that most teachers are kind, patient, talented, hard-working, and much more admirable than worst-person-on-the-planet Donald Trump, right-wing Republicans who support him, various profit-obsessed corporate execs, and our town’s greedy developers. Do I get a high grade for writing that short sentence?

Sincerely,
Trophies for All

Reminds me that “The Scarlet Letter” character Hester Prynne, after acing high-school math, exulted: “They gave me an ‘A’!”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Meanwhile, I recently received a barrage of back-to-school emails from the school district, the interim superintendent, my daughter’s school principal, and my daughter’s homeroom teacher about everything from the Genesis online school portal to bus schedules. Most of the messages were useful, so why am I feeling stressed?

Sincerely,
Inbox Influx

Your gmail account just reached 2 percent capacity, and you’re nervous I’ll send you the 10,000 photos I took this morning of my daughter boarding her school bus. Rest easy — I sent only 5,000.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
As an atheist, I’m uncomfortable relying on Genesis for information. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Bib L’Cull

“The Education Gods said, ‘Let there be online school portals,’ and there were online school portals. Then parents saw the light — dividing public-school supporters from charter-school pushers. And it was good…to read Diane Ravitch.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
My daughter’s school bus is scheduled to arrive at 3:15 this afternoon, but last year it usually came around 3:25. What can I do during those 10 minutes of waiting?

Sincerely,
Dee Lay

I’ve found it pleasant to converse with other parents, but you could also skim “The Scarlet Letter” for me. I now doubt Nathaniel Hawthorne depicted Ms. Prynne as a high-school student, despite all those front-of-locker selfies.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
My daughter’s Back-to-School Night is September 13, and I’m worried about the unluckiness of that number. Can the event be postponed?

Sincerely,
Sue Perstitious

Sure, let’s reschedule it for October 13 or November 13.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
You mentioned Montclair’s greedy developers. By the time they finish with Seymour Street, Lackawanna Plaza, and Education-Gods-only-know-what-other-projects, how crammed will Montclair’s schools be?

Sincerely,
Packed to the Future

When parents try to access Genesis in 2020, they won’t get into that online portal until their not-yet-born grandchildren are Montclair students.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
But, given the pricey nature of Montclair’s new housing units, will the average Joe or Jo of our future grandchildren’s generation be able to afford our town?

Sincerely,
The Buck Stops (People From Living) Here

Non-rich residents will be forced to accept smaller housing. I have my eye on a condo atop a Bloomfield Avenue lamp post after the Realtor Goddesses say, “Let there be light.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Today’s first questioner called Trump the worst person on the planet. Is that true, even after his cruel September 5 decision to deport 800,000 law-abiding children of undocumented immigrants — including 22,000 in New Jersey and probably some in Montclair?

Sincerely,
Don: Wan

No, he’s actually the worst person IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

 

 
 

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

 

 

 

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