MontClairVoyant: As Halloween Nears, Montclair Is Both a Funhouse and House of Horrors

BY  |  Thursday, Oct 26, 2017 1:00pm  |  COMMENTS (0)

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
In honor of Halloween next Tuesday, I’d like this column to depict Montclair as both a funhouse and house of horrors. Are you up for it?

Sincerely,
Eerie on Erie

No, I Iive in a first-floor apartment. But, sure, bring it on — just give me a minute to don my humor-columnist costume. Clown nose? Check. Dunce cap? Check. Glasses with fake eyes popping out? Check. Check? Monthly.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
On Halloween, I’ll be driving downhill into Montclair on Bloomfield Avenue to see all the oversized buildings that have recently risen or are coming soon. Do I have anything to worry about?

Sincerely,
Gaslighted on Gates

Be careful of violating noise ordinances when you let out a series of agonized screams.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
I’m a downtown Montclairite who, months before Halloween, developed ringing in my ears from countless drivers letting out a series of agonized screams. Should I sue the developers?

Sincerely,
Panicked on Park

You could try, but they have deep pockets. One developer might offer recompense by luring you to The MC hotel’s future rooftop bar with a 10-cents-off coupon for a drink…of tap water.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
But 10 cents to rent the glass. On a more positive note, a nice Halloween attraction is the “Gardens Aglow” event at Presby Memorial Iris Gardens. What do you think of lit-up pumpkins?

Sincerely,
Macabre on Macopin

Love ’em. But I don’t like pumpkin-spice filet mignon.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
When this column posts, I’ll rub pumpkin-spice fragrance on my smartphone. Anyway, our town’s main Halloween attraction is Montclair Avenue, where trick-or-treaters come from far and wide. Comment?

Sincerely,
Freaked on Fremont

Actually, they come from far but don’t get wide until eating all the candy.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
With the Township Council deciding Oct. 24 not to close Montclair Avenue to traffic on Halloween, I hope everyone stays safe. Also on Halloween, I’ll drive north past Watchung Avenue and immediately experience existential dread. “UBFRRLRFRUMS”?

Sincerely,
Wary on Willowdale

“Unnerved By Far-Right Republican Lackey Rodney Frelinghuysen Representing Upper Montclair Syndrome.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Also on Oct. 24, the TC narrowly introduced an ordinance to lower Grove Street’s speed limit from 35 to 30. With other measures such as more enforcement also needed, what is The Grim Reaper hoping for?

Sincerely,
Fearful on Fernwood

That Valley & Bloom will get “Scythes R Us.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
I thought there was a haunted house at 22 Valley Road, but, when visiting it in advance of Halloween, it turned out to be Montclair’s school-district headquarters. Comment?

Sincerely,
Terrified on Tuers

That place is haunted all right…by teacher layoffs, crummy PARCC tests, and fewer novels in the new English Language Arts curriculum — even as our schools remain mostly great. You might also visit 650 Valley Road to see Stephen King’s supermarket.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
That Kings grocery store has nothing to do with Mr. King the author. And Mayor Jackson has nothing to do with “The Haunting of Hill House” author Shirley Jackson. Am I making myself clear?

Sincerely,
Afraid on Afterglow

Yikes — you ARE clear! A ghost! A ghost!

 

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

 

 

 

 

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Featured Comment

Sad. Let's hope that this is not its "Last Tango." One of the most beautiful and iconic buildings in town. Valentino, Garbo, Keaton must have played there.

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