MontClairVoyant: A Back-to-School Column That’s Inane, Except the Part About McCain

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DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Do you agree with the decision, mentioned in an August 27 email from Superintendent Kendra Johnson, to have Montclair schools lower flags half-staff in honor of late U.S. Sen. John McCain?

Sincerely,
Ara Zona

I respectfully disagree with the decision, and will explain why later in this column. Until then, I’ll discuss school topics in a silly way to ease the dismay of initially thinking “half-staff” meant laying off 50 percent of our wonderful teachers.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
August 28 was the first day parents and students could see everything from teacher assignments to house assignments on the Genesis online site. Comment?

Sincerely,
Portal With Portal-ness

I was hoping to be assigned a house in Montclair’s estate section, but I guess I’ll keep living in an apartment.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Five days earlier, at Buzz Aldrin Middle School’s August 23 “Ice Cream Social,” the different ice cream flavors didn’t socialize with each other. False advertising?

Sincerely,
Spoon Giver Anthology

Given the dumbness of your question, I’m guessing you weren’t educated in Montclair’s great public schools.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Are enjoying-the-summer-break students ecstatic, euphoric, or exultant about the school year soon starting?

Sincerely,
On September 6!

Given the dumbness of your question, I’m guessing you never attended ANY school.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
The day before, September 5, there will be a Buzz walk-through. Comment?

Sincerely,
Nat King Stroll

People trying to walk through Buzz will slam into that building’s brick walls as they seek to reach Lorraine Avenue from Bellevue.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
If they try to walk through Glenfield or Renaissance, Mountainside hospital would be closer. Just sayin’…

Sincerely,
Door Aversion?

You mean “just writin’…” This column does not have an audio version.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Then visit Podcasts R Us. If you’re going to take language so literally, do you press your back against your kid’s school on Back to School Night?

Sincerely,
Days of Spine and Poses

Three out of four chiropractors recommend that. The fourth one recommended I see a psychologist.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Can you name Montclair’s other 10 public schools besides Buzz?

Sincerely,
Play List-y For Me

There are no public schools beside Buzz. They’re located elsewhere in town.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
FYI, those 10 schools are Bradford, Bullock, Edgemont, Glenfield, Hillside, Montclair High, Nishuane, Northeast, Renaissance, and Watchung. Any advice on how to remember them all?

Sincerely,
Dec, the Halls

Think about several schools being near something with the same name — such as Edgemont/Edgemont Road, Hillside/Hillside Avenue, and Watchung/the watch that tells me when disgusted readers click away from today’s column.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Back to John McCain. He was an incredibly brave prisoner of war, occasionally bucked far-right Republican orthodoxy, despised Trump, etc. What’s not to like?

Sincerely,
Rick Maverick

He supported U.S. military overreach, opposed the Martin Luther King holiday, backed 2017’s tax law for the rich that hurts blue states like New Jersey, etc. McCain deserves some respect, but not lowered flags in Montclair.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
I see your points but I don’t see humor in that answer. Am I missing something?

Sincerely,
Funny Side of the Street

Yes, the “h” in “overreach,” the “u” in “Luther,” the “m” in “some,” the “o” in “not,” and the “r” in “Montclair.”

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

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