MontClairVoyant: Liquor Discussed Quicker in Not-Solemn Column With PARCC Arc

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DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
After reading a Montclair school district administrator’s July 24 letter saying students need to take the time-wasting PARCC tests, I badly need a drink.

Sincerely,
Tip C.

You’re in luck! Our town is getting a 13th liquor license.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
That’s right — one license for every 3,000 people, and we’ve passed 39,000 in population. Does that have something to do with “The 39 Steps”?

Sincerely,
Cy Koh

I prefer Alfred Hitchcock’s “North by Northwest” — a thriller about the part of town in which some of Montclair State is located.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Which establishment will get that coveted new liquor license?

Sincerely,
Ann Toxication

Probably not Montclair Community Pre-K.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Getting back to the PARCCs, what bothered you most about that July 24 letter?

Sincerely,
Dismissive of Missive

There was no mention of parents’ rights to opt their kids out of the PARCCs. Especially glaring for a town that admirably may have New Jersey’s highest refusal rate — commemorated with the majestic Opt-Out Obelisk in High Point State Park.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Anything else bother you about the letter (which was actually released July 26)?

Sincerely,
Mary Tyler More

There was also no mention of Gov. Murphy’s promise to end the crummy PARCCs, which could affect parents’ refusal decisions. That “no mention” will be commemorated with the meager Omission Obelisk in Low Point State Park.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Also on July 24, the Township Council voted in favor of net neutrality — aka equal access to the Internet for all, rather than big corporations being favored. Is that something a municipal entity should weigh in on?

Sincerely,
Don’t Let the Web Ebb

Can’t hurt. Heck, if the TC stopped pushing a Lackawanna Plaza plan that would harm vintage elements of the former train station, I wouldn’t mind if it voted to raise tariffs on foam fingers imported from Cedar Grove.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
The controversial plan to redo Lackawanna is scheduled to be discussed again at August 6’s Planning Board meeting. Will the developers finally agree to work within the historic train-shed framework when seeking a needed supermarket tenant?

Sincerely,
Profits of Doom

Hope so, but that might happen only when pigs fly. Which explains the recent Newark Airport chaos caused by developers trying to block porcine boarding-pass holders from entering planes.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Trees can be time-honored, too, and more than 70 long-lived ones were reportedly felled in the local Alfonzo F. Bonsai Preserve at the end of last month. Comment?

Sincerely,
From Canopy to Can’topy

That ruthless overkill and bad communication from the North Jersey District Water Supply Commission means Montclair now needs a 14th liquor license to drown residents’ sorrows. If there are even 3,000 “LEGO Minifigures” in town, that would bring the population to 42,000.

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

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