MontClairVoyant: Climb-it Change Would Make Montclair High’s Upper Floors Reachable

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DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
It’s so frustrating that many classrooms on Montclair High’s upper floors can’t be accessed via stairs that need rebuilding. Is there ANY way to reach those floors?

Sincerely,
Lord of the Rise

Students and teachers can waft up on the autumnal aromas of pumpkin spice.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Okay, I see this column won’t be serious about a serious matter. I DENOUNCE pumpkin spice — unless pumpkin spice cat litter is developed. That said, is there another way of reaching the high school’s upper floors?

Sincerely,
Return to Ascender

Beaming up via “Star Trek” transporter. The question is, would you prefer your molecules scrambled next to Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, Captain Sisko, or Captain Janeway?

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Captain Kangaroo can jump higher. What about students and teachers bouncing on a trampoline to catapult through the school’s upper-floor windows?

Sincerely,
Bounce E. House

As long as they land on computer software rather than computer hardware.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Pole-vaulting into that part of Montclair High?

Sincerely,
Stick or Treat

Poles are suffering enough as Poland’s democracy diminishes.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Helicopters landing on the roof, after which passengers rappel down to the aforementioned windows?

Sincerely,
Climb, Every Mountie

If the helicopters only carry students who live 2.5 or more miles from the school.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Dumbwaiters?

Sincerely,
Up, Up, and a Tray

They’re rather small and designed to carry things like food. Maybe Lilliputians can ride them when visiting Montclair High to discuss being in the pages of “Gulliver’s Travels.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Parachutes?

Sincerely,
Kind of a Drag

Better save those for paraprofessionals if the stairs in Montclair’s elementary schools ever partly collapse.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Pulleys?

Sincerely,
William Randolph Hoist

Because four staircases have problems, I envision a string quartet.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
What about simple ladders?

Sincerely,
Meets Chutes and Eaves

Ladders at Montclair High aren’t simple after they graduate from our town’s challenging middle schools.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
A rocket ship?

Sincerely,
Ten, Nine, Eight…

If it goes into outer space before a return landing in Toney’s Brook, that would be perfect for students interested in both astronomy and oceanography.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
My favorite suggestion for reaching Montclair High’s upper floors is wafting up on the autumnal aromas of pumpkin spice. Yours?

Sincerely,
Spice Capades

I like that one, too. At October 3’s Board of Education meeting, let’s hope any stair-related handout is pumpkin-spiced.

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

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