MontClairVoyant: A Cat That Guest-Writes a Column Can Give a Reader Paws…um…Pause

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DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
I see that you, the Montclairvoyant’s beloved cat, are guest-writing this column again. Given that you’re a gray tabby, why don’t you live on Gray Street?

Sincerely,
Nifty Shades of Gray

Given that you just asked an idiotic question, why don’t you live on Idiot Street?

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Feisty as ever, my feline friend — like The Grinch in the movie I saw with my daughter last weekend. What Montclair film might that new version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” inspire?

Sincerely,
One Wish, To Wish

“How the Developers Stole Downtown” (rated PG, for Projects Gigantic).

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Can you explain how you, as a cat, know that Montclair’s increasingly urbanized downtown is being robbed of its suburban vibe?

Sincerely,
The Vet-ing of Wisdom

My peeps recently drove me up Bloomfield Avenue, and the oversized new buildings took my breath away. (That and my asthma.)

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Have you written an ad jingle for your asthma inhaler, which costs about $230 for two months of doses?

Sincerely,
Big Pharma, Bad Karma

“If your peeps are poor/you’ll breathe no more.”

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Yikes! Speaking of downtown overdevelopment, Lackawanna Plaza was again discussed at another long Planning Board meeting November 26. Is it possible to save the historic train sheds AND lure a much-needed supermarket?

Sincerely,
Lack(awanna) to the Future

It is. And if a grocery store opens at LP, I’ll use a cat-food can as a puck for an impromptu game of hockey in Aisle 9 — while psyching myself into a competitive frenzy with lines like “You da cat!”

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Did you, da cat, attend the November 19 Board of Education meeting?

Sincerely,
The George (Inness)

No, but I’ve witnessed great performances by Montclair students at the start of other BOE meetings. I’m waiting for the invite to sing my Beyonce-ish tune “Single Kitties (Put a Hairball On It).”

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
One thing discussed November 19 was whether home-schooled students should be allowed to play public school sports. We say “no” — what say you?

Sincerely,
Peter, Ball, and Mary

I say “no,” too. Heck, in my apartment I jump through my scratching-post tunnel like a circus animal, but I wouldn’t expect to do the same for Buzz Aldrin’s “Jump Through the Scratching-Post Tunnel Like a Circus Animal” team.

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
And November 27’s Township Council meeting saw Gray Street residents (none of them you despite being a gray tabby) sensibly oppose Verizon’s plan for an ugly, taller, possibly dangerous cell-phone-antenna pole on their block. Thoughts?

Sincerely,
FaceTime Is On My Side (Yes It Is)

Why not a new pole on the nearby, open-space-filled land of the Glen Ridge Country Club? Oops, that would irk GRCC’s affluent and influential members. But cell poles are of course needed somewhere; I often text with Garfield the cartoon cat.

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Let’s move to a “canine” theme. Are you as disappointed as I am that incoming U.S. congresswoman Mikie Sherrill of Montclair will be caucusing with the conservative-leaning “Blue Dog Democrats”?

Sincerely,
Unilateral Disarmament

Yes. Sherrill will still be better than Rodney Frelinghuysen, but I thought she was more centrist than center-right. The House electee could’ve instead caucused with me and my cat pals, because we have much in common: she flew planes, we look up and meow at planes.

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Getting back to Garfield, I’ve heard that the previous feline in the Montclairvoyant home was also an orange tabby. Given his color, why didn’t your predecessor live on Orange Road?

Sincerely,
Val Encia and Clement Tine

Given that you just asked an idiotic question, you should move to…Garfield Place. The lasagna-loving Garfield and I will soon be “doing lunch” at Mundo Vegan to mark my acceptance into the National Society of Cat Columnists.

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

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