MontClairVoyant: Trump As Montclair’s Next Mayor? Here Are the Treasons…um…Reasons

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DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Let’s say Trump was somehow impeached. Might he run for Montclair mayor in 2020 to “stick it to the liberals”?

Sincerely,
Nationalist As Localist

Our plain Municipal Building would look strange with gold-painted Council Chambers.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Don’t you have to live in Montclair to run for mayor?

Sincerely,
Ben Herr

Lock Herr up.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Besides, how would the far-right Trump get elected in a burg that’s almost 90 percent Democratic?

Sincerely,
Short Fingers, Long Odds

Gerrymander to favor Republican households. Suppress the liberal vote by making Democrats wait in a 2,744-mile line to cast ballots in Montclair, California. Change Montclair State’s name to the Electoral College.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
I get that Trump likes to “stick it to the liberals,” but is there anything else about Montclair that would make him want to be mayor here?

Sincerely,
Montclair Hi

That real-estate mogul loves overdevelopment of the sort now going on in our downtown. I can see him climbing the too-tall MC hotel like King Kong.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Why would Trump want to be mayor of a place that’s racially diverse?

Sincerely,
Dee Versity

He’s pals with Kanye West, and hopes to make the acquaintance of Kanye East.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
But surely Trump would be irked by Montclair’s many ethnic restaurants?

Sincerely,
Mesob — and You’ll Cry, Too

The Hater-in-Chief has a surprisingly diverse palate, eating McDonald’s fries with or without ketchup.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
And why would Trump, who loves charter schools and the way they yank tax money from public schools, want to lead a town that thankfully beat back a proposed charter school?

Sincerely,
Betsy DeVos Dross

Trump also loves traditional private schools, and Montclair has several. He even tried changing the name of the Publix supermarket near Mar-a-Lago to Privatix, but slipped on a banana peel in Aisle 4.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Montclair holds a great Veterans’ Day ceremony each year. So, why would Trump want to be mayor when he dodged the draft and shabbily treats the military — as when he recently sent it to the southern border for political reasons?

Sincerely,
Bad to the Bone Spurs

Trump also outrageously skipped a visit to a military cemetery in France because of a little rain. I guess he likes to keep his hair dry, and I’ve heard there are towels in Montclair.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Okay, let’s say Trump does run for mayor. Who might be the other six Township Council hopefuls on his slate?

Sincerely,
Not-Great Running Mates

They could include those Montclair Republican Club members who’ve never publicly criticized the lies, racism, sexism, and other garbage endlessly spewing out of the Oval Office occupant’s mouth. They’re ready to serve…fries to their leader, with or without ketchup.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
What would be the name of that slate in a town with the Valley & Bloom complex?

Sincerely,
2020 Vision

Tally & Doom.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Let’s say Mayor Trump moved into an Undercliff Road mansion. How would he get to the Municipal Building?

Sincerely,
Travel-Ban Jan and Dan

I doubt he’d walk, but he COULD. It’s only 1.5 miles or so — about the length of three CVS receipts.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Under Mayor Trump, won’t many liberal Montclair residents flee?

Sincerely,
X. O’Dus

His Twitter response: “Mission Accomplished.”

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

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