MontClairVoyant: ‘Peanuts’ References Are Where the Suburb Meets the Silly

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DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Before discussing the possibly endangered Charles S. Shultz House, your five-part response to what’s going on at Glenfield?

Sincerely,
Middle School Muddle

1. Another principal leaving. 2. Major schedule change proposed. 3. Petition with questions about that change gets more than 500 signatures. 4. Legitimate complaints about that change expressed at June 17’s Board of Education meeting. 5. Maple Avenue should intersect with Pancake Street.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Joking aside, when a major change is considered at a school, teachers and parents and students should have plenty of input long before a final decision is made. They’re affected, and they have knowledge. Do you agree?

Sincerely,
Rhea Toricalquestion

I do. Democracy isn’t a four-letter word. It’s nine letters, which reminds me of “Nine Perfect Strangers” by first-rate novelist Liane Moriarty. She also wrote “Big Little Lies,” which developers erroneously assume is a guidebook.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
And might the proposed Buzz-like schedule reduce Glenfield’s great arts offerings or push some aspects of them to after school? Buzz is great, but shouldn’t middle schools remain fairly different in a magnet system? And why was a consultant hired for this?

Sincerely,
Asking for an Enemy

I’m not capable of answering three questions at once, so let me get back to you after I hire an MQC (Multiple Questions Consultant).

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
On to the Charles S. Shultz House. It was alarming to hear that the Montclair History Center (MHC) can’t afford to keep up that vintage, beautiful, 1890s-built mansion — aka “Evergreens.” What is to be done?

Sincerely,
I.M. Worried

Given that “Peanuts” cartoonist Charles M. Schulz had a similar name, widely read author Karen is urging Snoopy to move from doghouse roof to Shultz House roof for a public photo op earning the MHC $1,000 per picture.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Purse you, read Karen! And Snoopy could listen to Barbra Streisand’s “Evergreen” twice (“Evergreens”) as pix are taken. But can’t you be as serious as the MHC about the fate of that treasured North Mountain mansion?

Sincerely,
Not-So-Gay ’90s

MHC efforts included admirably seeking community input into the mansion’s future via June 15 and 17 public conversations, even as June 16 saw Lucy dare Charlie Brown to kick the Shultz House porch. He missed, and rolled down the hill.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Good grief! All I know is that the Shultz House must be saved — whether by finding grant money, or by convincing Montclair builders to give back after getting richer overdeveloping our town, or in some other way. Comment?

Sincerely,
Climb Every North Mountain

Happiness is a warm puppy. (If there’s enough money to heat the Shultz House as Snoopy reclines on the roof.)

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Meanwhile, the Planning Board on June 11 voted with some reservations to support a Township Council effort to make it somewhat harder for owners to demolish historic structures. Thoughts?

Sincerely,
All Hands on Wreck

A not-ideal-but-better-late-than-never plan after public outrage over the razing of two vintage homes to make way for a billionaire’s now-in-limbo mega-mansion. If Linus became a billionaire, think 60,000-square-foot security blanket!

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
That answer was bothersome on two levels: “Peanuts” character Linus isn’t materialistic, and you used 11 hyphens! Will you promise to never do that again?

Sincerely,
Crimes Against Punctuation

I-Snoopy-swear-to-never-use-11-hyphens-in-an-answer-again.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
By the time your next column posts, the 2018-19 school year will be over. Wasn’t Peppermint Patty an excellent speaker choice for Montclair High’s upcoming commencement ceremony?

Sincerely,
Ann Fuh-Theater

If you want to stop confusing reality with make-believe, there’s a fictional app for that.

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

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