MontClairVoyant: Column-Writing Cat Returns, and He’s Not Fur-tive

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DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
As you can see from my use of “MontCATvoyant” rather than “Montclairvoyant,” I realize the kitty who lives with a certain columnist will be answering questions again today. Do you, Misty the cat, know enough about our town to do that?

Sincerely,
Brainy on Brainard

I’m taken outside for a leashed walk every day, so I see things — including steps. The departing Dr. Kendra Johnson’s report that Montclair High’s stair repair/asbestos abatement is seemingly on schedule reminds me that runner Roger Bannister was the first to finish a superintendent term in under four minutes.

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Speaking of Montclair High, 40 students took part in a summer program in which they reimagined what a Lackawanna Plaza redo might be like — and came up with plans much better than those of the actual co-developers! Comment?

Sincerely,
Neil, Who’s Young

A plan with high profits in mind vs. plans with community in mind. I know about profits, because I see the price tags on my cat food. Thankfully, those tags don’t muffle the “snap” of the can as it’s opened by my people. “Let’s do lunch,” I say.

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
The student brainstormers suggested various appealing things for the historic former Lackawanna train station site such as plenty of green space, some nightlife, and additional affordable housing — while still placing a supermarket there.

Sincerely,
Store, Then a Feeling

What kind of dry food will be in that supermarket’s pet-supplies aisle — huh, huh? Any cat-toy sticks with sparkly strips at the end — huh, huh? Can I work in the deli department? “Compromise elsewhere,” my friend.

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
You need to “can” that Boar’s Head slogan. If those students had designed the real Lackawanna redo, would there be a current lawsuit like the one against the approval of the co-developers’ deeply flawed, train shed-harming plan?

Sincerely,
Lee Gull

No. Hey — the word “tort” is in “tortoiseshell”! Not that I’m a tortoiseshell cat; I’m a gray tabby. Still, “Fifty Shades of Grey” is not my thing. I’ve been neutered.

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Last month, the Township Council tabled an ordinance to ban single-use plastic bags. Thoughts?

Sincerely,
Carrie Somepurchases

As a cat, I like to squeeze inside paper bags and turn myself around — yet I dislike doing the “Hokey-Pokey.” I guess I’m waiting for Beyonce to sing that song at the Wellmont.

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Maybe the coming “arts district with not much of the arts” is scaring her away. If you did see Beyonce perform at the Wellmont, would you first have a drink at Faubourg?

Sincerely,
Bev R. Ridge

Um…I slurp water from a bowl in my apartment. Besides, that new restaurant’s drinks are pricey enough for me to think its slogan could be “Mai Tai…Your Bankruptcy.”

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
What’s this I hear about some paraprofessionals getting paid less this summer?

Sincerely,
Teach Blanket Bingo

It seems a flat hourly rate has unfortunately lowered the wages for a portion of those ultra-important educators. If my cat treats were that flat, I won’t get much teeth-cleaning action from chewing them.

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Are you glad our town’s Democratic congresspeople Donald Payne Jr. and Mikie Sherrill have made strong statements urging the U.S. Senate to pass gun-safety legislation after the horrific massacres in El Paso and Dayton?

Sincerely,
White-Supremacist Terrorism

Of course. The House has passed such legislation, and the Republican-controlled Senate needs to follow suit. If NRA sycophant Mitch McConnell keeps blocking that, I…hey…are you impressed that a cat knows the word “sycophant”?

DEAR MONTCATVOYANT,
Finally, any words about Toni Morrison, the brilliant/incandescent/truth-telling writer with several New Jersey ties who died August 5?

Sincerely,
Bea Loved

As a cat, I don’t read novels. But I do read nonfiction — mostly recently the book “More Montclair Superintendent Turnover Than You Can Shake a Stick At, Though Sticks Are Frowned Upon in the George Inness Annex.”

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

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2 COMMENTS

  1. I expected your MontCATvoyant to do a little cross-promotion with a Montclair Jazz Festival connection…

    Courtesy of mentalfloss.com:
    “Would you rather be a dude or a cat? If it was the 1920s, definitely a cat. A dude was square. A cat was cool. Again, it’s the world of jazz that gave us this word for fellow or guy. It’s likely that it has some connection to the feline pet, for the popular conception of a jazz musician could be said to possess many similar qualities to a cat — quick on his feet, resourceful, but with a languid, slightly aloof quality.”

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