MontClairVoyant: C’s the Day – Column Covers Coronavirus Crisis

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
As of April 1, the number of confirmed coronavirus cases in Montclair sadly hit 102 — with 13 people tragically dying (many with prior health issues and in long-term-care places). Which two numbers would you prefer?

Sincerely,
For Whom the Bell Tolls

Zero and zero, of course. Which reminds me that most local students wish the pandemic would ease enough to resume in-school instruction — even during “zero period” at Montclair High and “zero day” at Buzz Aldrin.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
This column will contain numbers, eh? Speaking of schooling, why does “two out of three ain’t bad” describe the state of education in your apartment as remote learning was extended until at least April 20?

Sincerely,
Meat the Loaf, Greet the Loaf

1) My Buzz daughter is learning online in her bedroom. 2) My professor wife is teaching online in the other bedroom. 3) I’m writing this weekly column in the dining room — continuing to dumb down all who read it.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Meanwhile, many residents wanted to hear more from the mayor, other Township Council members, and other municipal officials during this devastating crisis. The results of a March 26-launched Baristanet survey about that?

Sincerely,
Lee der Shipp

Those results reflected the inadequate town communication last month, as 73.5 percent of poll respondents voted to hear more from leadership. But no one asked if electing a mayor in May means a neighboring town will elect an octopus in October.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Overdoing the wordplay, my man. Didn’t Council member/mayoral hopeful Dr. Renee Baskerville and a few other officials and candidates communicate frequently, pre-poll?

Sincerely,
Heard Mentality

Yes — including various posts on Facebook, whose sixth and seventh letters are o’s but look like zeros.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
And then, perhaps spurred by the complaints about inadequate communication, didn’t new video messages from some Council members start appearing this week?

Sincerely,
Moving Lips in Clips

Yes, on YouTube, which makes so much money I wonder why it can’t afford a space between the “u” and the “T.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Also, hasn’t the township donated $20,000 to Toni’s Kitchento help fund the feeding of residents in need, and offered to match up to $20,000 in additional donations?

Sincerely,
Money for Something

True, and a wonderful effort it is! Toni’ Kitchen last week amazingly provided nearly 13,000 meals to students, seniors, and others — and now has a new outdoor refrigeration unit. Speaking of cooling devices, I hope Sub-Zero keeps its fridge temperatures above 32 rather than sub-zero. Frozen hummus is hard on the teeth.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
And many Montclairites are individually helping in many ways; for instance, collecting protective masks for hospitals. Once again, a huge thank you to healthcare workers — and to supermarket employees, delivery workers, and others.

Sincerely,
On the Front Lines

They’re doing needed, risky, heroic work — often with little choice in the matter — and their pay should be doubled! The mega-rich Amazon/Whole Foods owner could certainly afford it; heck, if he dropped all his $20 and $10 bills between Montclair and Monterey, Andrew Jackson and Alexander Hamilton couldn’t practice social distancing.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
You mentioned altruistic Montclair residents. As the U.S. Census gathers 2020 data — everybody please fill out the form! — what’s the population of our town?

Sincerely,
Citizen Jane

About 39,000 — 15,000 or so less than Manhattan.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Manhattan, Kansas, that is. How many Montclair residents are still commuting to the city during the pandemic?

Sincerely,
Citizen Train

Zero, given that our town and Manhattan, Kansas, are 1,305 miles apart. Let’s just say the Montclair-Topeka Line is even less crowded these days than the Montclair-Boonton Line.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
But if the Montclair-Topeka Line actually existed, commuters would need to go 58 miles past Topeka to reach Manhattan, Kansas. How would they do that?

Sincerely,
Kansas Sit-ee

Remember the 12 Miles West theater in Montclair? Build nearly five of those playhouses along those 58 miles.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
You’re really straining at the humor thing. It isn’t easy trying to be funny at a time like this, right?

Sincerely,
Cry the Beleaguered Country

True, but not remotely a problem when so many people are struggling with their health and finances. Millions of them sent Facebook “friend” requests to the coronavirus vaccine, and are waiting for that future vaccine to click “confirm.”

 

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

 

 

Click here to sign up for Baristanet's free daily emails and news alerts.