MontClairVoyant: When Montclair Tilts, Walk on Stilts

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
When some New Yorkers moved here from Park Slope, did they expect “Sloped Park” in Montclair?

Sincerely,
Brooklyn Dodgers

You noticed! Downtown is not only sinking under the weight of big new buildings but tilting the rest of Montclair. So people traveling south on Park Street — or Valley, Fullerton, etc. — feel like they’re descending a roller-coaster at Amy Coney Barrett Island.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Coney Island, for short. Yes, Valley & Bloom, The MC hotel, and the rising “arts district” are lowering downtown’s ground level, and the Lackawanna Plaza redo and recently approved MC Residences will accelerate that process. Any silver lining?

Sincerely,
Silver Linings Playbook

Great downhill skiing in the winter from Mount Hebron Road to Bloomfield Avenue.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Does the new building on Park Street off Watchung Plaza counterbalance the added weight of recent downtown construction?

Sincerely,
Ocean’s Eleven Units

The Westerly is fairly big for its location, but nowhere near as big as what’s crowding downtown. And don’t forget the Covid-time weight of Cuban Pete’s three in-dining-violation notices.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Montclair State University has added new buildings in recent years. Surely THEIR collective weight counterbalances the heavier downtown?

Sincerely,
Ezra Poundage

Much of MSU isn’t in Montclair. Still, things get even heavier on that campus when Jersey Jackals players pop large pieces of gum into their mouths.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
What if one of Montclair’s downtown buildings is so heavy that it eventually sinks during a rainstorm, punching a big hole in the ground?

Sincerely,
See You Later, Crater

Yowza! Fourth municipal pool!

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
What would be the name of that “ground-breaking” pool?

Sincerely,
Make It ‘Trench’-ant

We already have Mountainside, Essex, and Nishuane pools. Let’s call the new one…Catastrophic.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
What if that sunken building reaches the core of our planet?

Sincerely,
Down Under

It’ll spark renewed interest in Jules Verne’s “Journey to the Center of the Earth.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Available from our local library via curbside pickup. Any other silver lining to the overweight downtown?

Sincerely,
Silver Linings Playbook II

Many motorists driving south in a steeply sloped Montclair will exceed the speed limit, increasing traffic-ticket revenue. The fine for going 200 miles per hour will be…

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
If the sinking of downtown also means sinking all of Montclair south of that, what would travelers say when they careen toward the border of Orange and are stopped short by a dirt wall caused by Montclair being lower?

Sincerely,
Essex County as Orange County

“Something there is that doesn’t love a wall.” Hmm, time for a Robert Frost poetry slam in Canterbury Park!

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Don’t forget the Audre Lorde poem “Separation” that could be repurposed to describe Orange and Montclair existing at different heights. And don’t you have an original poem of your own?

Sincerely,
From Bad to Verse

“Roses are red/violets are blue/sugar is sweet/and all the downtown overbuilding in Montclair during the past few years that the developer-lovin’ Planning Board has approved against the wishes of many residents makes me go ‘boo-hoo.'”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Fourth line’s a bit long. Anyway, given that the scenarios in today’s column are basically fictional, how about going really nuts and suggesting that helium balloons be attached to the top of Montclair’s big downtown buildings to make them weigh less?

Sincerely,
Up, Up, and Astray

What? I’m trying to maintain some credibility here.

 

 

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

 

 

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