MontClairVoyant: A November to Remember

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Let’s discuss the 2020 election. If it had been Trump vs. a leader of the kill-rent-control-obsessed Montclair Property Owners Association, who would you have voted for?

Sincerely,
We Disport, You Decide

I need a plausible third alternative, like a broccoli floret.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
The MPOA certainly wasn’t popular at the Township Council’s virtual November 2 meeting. Anyway, as of your column’s Wednesday deadline, the presidential results weren’t finalized. How in the world was Trump even close?

Sincerely,
Night of the Living Red (States)

Most places in the U.S. are obviously less progressive than Montclair. Millions of people love/relate to Trump’s racism, misogyny, homophobia, and how he “owns the libs” — despite not having enough money to “own the libs.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
The inept/lying Trump was competitive despite his bungling that worsened the Covid death toll, even as Joe Biden was a fairly weak candidate. And who knows how many bigots wouldn’t vote for a woman of color such as Kamala Harris?

Sincerely,
Bigots Felt Pence-sive

Again, Montclair is more progressive than the norm. Our town even allows drivers to make left turns — which came in handy when I drove downtown to see an election therapist.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Is election therapy even a thing? At least Donald Payne Jr. and Mikie Sherrill won again in Montclair’s two congressional districts. Anything to say about those Democrats?

Sincerely,
10th and 11th

Payne is vaguely liberal, Sherrill is center-right, Sherrill’s defeated opponent is far right, and…um…someone please turn off that One Direction video.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Moving to school matters, a Covid case at Watchung Elementary pushed our district’s hybrid reopening dates to November 16 for younger students and November 30 for grades 6-12. What does it all mean?

Sincerely,
Impatient Prius Owner

It means older students will weigh more than usual after eating Thanksgiving meals on the 26th and thus walk slowly to school — giving Buzz, Glenfield, Renaissance, and Montclair High a few extra minutes to prepare.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
How might those four schools have even more time to prepare?

Sincerely,
Riddler on the Roof

The first day back, students could be required to walk in the opposite direction. For instance, an eighth-grader with a half-mile walk to Buzz would instead walk nearly 25,000 miles around the Earth’s circumference to reach Buzz.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Just how does one walk over the Atlantic and Pacific oceans?

Sincerely,
Shopped at A&P

Alphabetically.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
At another Township Council meeting late last month, the TC voted on first reading to buy a property adjacent to the Municipal Building to use for additional parking and/or something else. Pretty uncontroversial, right?

Sincerely,
Site Reading

Wrong. Reports say Montclair might pay much more than the site’s assessed value. If “money grows on trees,” that’s another reason for using rakes rather than leaf blowers when the money falls off.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Would the Council also overpay The Who to revise its song lyric from “I call that a bargain…the best I ever had” to “I call that a bargain…the worst I ever had”?

Sincerely,
‘Who’s Next’ to Benefit

Might get a small discount for Montclair astronaut Buzz Aldrin’s mother having the same last name as original Who drummer Keith Moon.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Speaking of entertainment, the esteemed Montclair Fund for Education Excellence is holding what promises to be a great virtual event this Saturday, November 7, to raise money for our public schools. What will “ShowUP Montclair” include?

Sincerely,
Winifred Wants the Sked

Three of these four things: 1) Music. 2) Poetry. 3) Magic. 4) Broccoli florets.

 

 

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

 

 

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