MontClairVoyant: In Montclair, Acronyms Accrue Accordingly

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
The Planning Board voted 8-1 on Monday to incorporate the Streets Are For Everyone (SAFE) plan into our town’s Master Plan. Reaction?

Sincerely,
‘Plan’ Is the Word of the Week

I favor any measure that includes possibly improving things for cyclists and pedestrians in our car-centric country, but I found the December 14 vote odder than Otto the otter on an ottoman in Ottawa.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Obviously, no one’s SAFE from your allegiance to alliteration. Was the vote odd because the rampant overdevelopment okayed by the Planning Board in recent years is making Montclair less safe and less appealing for cyclists and pedestrians?

Sincerely,
Virtue Signaling Alert

Yup, with examples including Valley & Bloom constructed so close to the sidewalk, the approved Lackawanna Plaza redo lacking a major green space, and coffee beans at The Siena building’s Starbucks being larger than beluga whales.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Well, maybe not that last example, but I get the irony of the Planning Board’s inconsistency. Also on December 14, the Montclair Property Owners Association’s amended petition for a referendum on rent control was rejected by the township clerk. Do you feel bad for the MPOA?

Sincerely,
To Catch a Grief

Nope. The heavily funded group had gotten court extensions to “cure” signatures — which was more leeway than given residents whose ballots were nixed in Montclair’s May 2020 mail election. As for me, I can’t fit inside voting envelopes.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
You literally and figuratively need a shrink. What’s next for the MPOA and its money as many Montclair tenants struggle to afford rent?

Sincerely,
Let Them Eat Cupcakes

I suggest the landlord group’s leaders ride Gladys Knight’s “Midnight Train to Georgia,” where they could donate to the wealthy far-right Republicans in that state’s U.S. Senate runoffs and hopefully lose again.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Moving to another topic, the Montclair Families Advocating for In-Person Learning (FAIL) group rallied last Saturday, December 12, for our town’s schools to reopen sooner. Thoughts?

Sincerely,
Virus Gone Viral

I sympathize, but reopenings need to wait because COVID continues to surge even as vaccines start rolling out. Now Buzz has become the latest school with a COVID case, meaning the virus is migrating north and worrying Otto the otter on an ottoman in Ottawa.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Montclair and Mountainside Hospital officials were scheduled to hold a virtual town hall this morning, December 17, about COVID and the vaccines. Pleased?

Sincerely,
Town Hall & Oates

Yes. That’s something Montclair’s officials should’ve been doing more regularly during the pandemic. They might now receive a sparkly holiday card from Zoom Video Communications, Inc.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Speaking of the holidays, that amazing light display on Myrtle can send people into a dream state that makes it hard to focus.

Sincerely,
Lights, Camera, Reaction

Um…did you just say something?

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Meanwhile, Montclair’s library will offer an online version of The Little Read event tomorrow evening, December 18. I’m looking forward to hearing excerpts from novels such as “Little Women” and “Big Little Lies”!

Sincerely,
Little Mouse on the Prairie

Your delusions about which books will be featured are “Big Big Lies.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
It’s no lie that heavy snow was predicted to begin around the time you submitted this column yesterday afternoon, December 16. I understand your cat did some singing?

Sincerely,
The Sphere of the Cat

He crooned: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…with every Christmas card I don’t write…because I lack opposable thumbs.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Same problem for Otto the otter on an ottoman in Ottawa.

Sincerely,
Octavia of Oakcroft

Say, does Otto’s existence explain the “O” in “O Canada”?

 

 

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

 

 

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