MontClairVoyant: Independence Day Not Independent of Weird Humor

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Wasn’t it nice that Montclair’s great, inclusive Independence Day festivities resumed this past Monday after 4,041 years?

Sincerely,

Millennia Trumped

Um…those festivities were last held in 2019 AD, not 2019 BC.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

I thought BC meant Before COVID. What was your favorite vintage vehicle in our town’s 2022 July 4th parade?

Sincerely,

Anne Tique

The 4,041-year-old Ford chariot — fully loaded with sunroof (no roof), four-horsepower propulsion (four horses), and Bluetooth technology (the horses chewed blueberries).

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Somehow I missed that vehicle. Anyway, does Montclair have a connection with America’s Founding Fathers?

Sincerely,

Dad to the Bone

George Washington handed over his credit card to sleep at The MC, figuring he wouldn’t be a deadbeat like the hotel itself after it didn’t meet its PILOT (Payment in Lieu of Taxes) obligations.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

What about roads in Montclair with Founding Father names?

Sincerely,

Roads Scholar

There’s Washington Street, but that was named after Rip Van Winkle creator Washington Irving to commemorate a Bullock student oversleeping 20 seconds one morning.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Jefferson Place?

Sincerely,

Moving On Up

Named after Thomas Jefferson, I suppose, despite him being a slave owner like George Washington. His Declaration of Independence was the definitive history of Independence, Missouri.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Including the famous line “All Harry Trumans are created equal.” Montclair also has Madison Avenue; was it named after James Madison?

Sincerely,

Not Madison Cawthorne

Perhaps. He was “The Father of the Constitution” and America’s fourth President but was best known for greeting his wife each day with “Hello, Dolley.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

How about our town’s Franklin Avenue? Was it named after Founding Father Benjamin Franklin?

Sincerely,

Who, What, Where, and Ben

You can research that question yourself in “The Kite Runner.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Khaled Hosseini’s novel is irrelevant to Ben Franklin and his kite experiments, so go swallow a Franklin mint. Is Montclair’s Hamilton Terrace named after Alexander Hamilton?

Sincerely,

Aaron Burr

Possibly. A man who despite being killed in an 1804 duel came back in the 1970s as one-third of the musical trio Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Someone should create a Broadway musical about Alexander H. I also want to say it’s a shame all The Founding Fathers were men.

Sincerely,

Lin-Manuel Miranda Rule

Even in that dismayingly patriarchal time, there were many important women behind the scenes. Still, I suppose there’s a reason The Founding Fathers weren’t called The Founding Parental Units.


DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Are any Montclair roads named after women?

Sincerely,

Return to Gender

Amelia Street, Lorraine Avenue, Victoria Terrace, and Virginia Avenue sound feminine. Plus Glenwood Road is a tribute to singer Marla Glen and actress Natalie Wood.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

That sounds far-fetched.

Sincerely,

Skeptic Tank

As far-fetched as a dog-retrieved tennis ball thrown the entire length of Montclair’s July 4th parade.

 

 

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

 

 

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3 COMMENTS

  1. Dave,

    Fun fact. The agreement on Glen Ridge’s 50% use of Montclair’s George Washington Field included renaming the it to just Washington Field. Bye George. No Martha. Why? No idea. Lots of funkytown stuff back then.

    But, on a slightly higher level, why is Montclair not recognizing others- not White, not male? Personally, I don’t care.
    OK, anyone know Clary Anderson?
    But, if there was a poll, I would vote for Montclair’s Minnie A. Lucey Field. We can nickname it Minnie Field for its less than regulation dimensions.
    Kinda like what we did for Buzz School.

  2. Thank you for the comment, Frank. Nice humor amid the seriousness. 🙂

    Speaking of George, if George Washington Field were near The George hotel, would it be The George George Washington Field?

    I’m all for naming streets and other places after women and/or people of color. Montclair has at least some examples of that, including The Aubrey Lewis Sports Complex.

  3. If it was located there I would rename the park after Martha. Then you could say it was The George & Martha Washington Field.

    Sorry, A. Lewis Complex is a Board of Education facility. The Board of Education is more enlightened- as evidenced by their continuing practice of allowing remote public comment at their meetings.

Comments are closed.