DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
I’m troubled — feeling so bad for developers. When they finish grossly overbuilding downtown in a few years, what’s left for them to do in Montclair? Their reason to wake up in the morning?

Sincerely,
To Dream the Grim-Possible Dream

They could pave over and develop every inch of our town’s beautiful parks! Julia Alvarez wrote “In the Time of the Butterflies”; the Planning Board could write “In the Time of the Variances.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Destined for bookstore horror sections everywhere. But what would happen to Edgemont Park’s geese?

Sincerely,
Quack to the Future

Don’t worry — developers could set aside 10 percent of that park’s new housing for waterfowl. Well, maybe 5 percent…or 1 percent. Heck, the geese could move to Watching Plaza and live in UPS Store mailboxes.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Awful! Surely Glenfield Park wouldn’t be built on, too?

Sincerely,
Never a Staple Near Maple

With a middle school next door, what better place to erect housing too pricey for teachers? I envision 5,000 units, with minus one of them affordable. Developers have hearts — well, 13 of them if they buy a deck of cards.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Also, Anderson Park could get stores, offices, and restaurants! With the Upper Montclair Business District just beyond the park, why travel a few more inches if you live on a street such as Princeton Place?

Sincerely,
For Whom the Bellevue Tolls

Buzz Aldrin left Princeton Place decades ago, so the 66 and 33 DeCamp rockets no longer go to Bellevue Avenue. If they did, they’d be mistaken for Tinga’s burritos.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
After The MC opens downtown, Brookdale Park could be the site for a second new hotel: The BP. That Pentagon-sized hostelry would be filled to capacity, right?

Sincerely,
Mary Ott and Sue Pereight

The lobby would certainly be packed with angry rec-soccer players after the park’s turf field was destroyed to build The BP. Developers could autograph the kids’ shin guards.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
How about an oversized “arts district” (to go along with the planned Seymour Street-area one) in Nishuane Park?

Sincerely,
I’m Not Well, Mont

People could admire murals of a paved-over Nishuane Pool rather than swim in it, saving money on goggles.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
What about Mountainside Park?

Sincerely,
Slope Springs Eternal

That partly hilly expanse of green space could be completely flattened for showy homes, with kids sledding down the two “n’s” in “McMansions.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Montclair’s lovely parks wouldn’t really be developed, would they?

Sincerely,
It’s Not Queasy Being Green

The only open space left in Montclair would be between this column’s questions and answers.

Dave Astor, author, is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
At Sept. 11th’s Planning Board meeting, members of the Township Council’s Economic Development Committee said they’ll recommend to the full TC that historic Lackawanna Plaza have 280 rather than 350 housing units. Good news?

Sincerely,
Re the EDC

I guess — if being whacked with a rubber chicken 280 rather than 350 times is good news.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?

Sincerely,
Without Feathers

To escape Montclair’s increasingly crammed downtown.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Seventy fewer units will help, and EDC members also agreed with several other revisions suggested by the Planning Board. But the Lackawanna Plaza redevelopment would still be WAY TOO BIG, especially when combined with the other large buildings that have risen or are rising on/near Bloomfield Avenue.

Sincerely,
Cascade of Colossal Construction Continue Reading

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
With school starting today in Montclair, I’d like to note that most teachers are kind, patient, talented, hard-working, and much more admirable than worst-person-on-the-planet Donald Trump, right-wing Republicans who support him, various profit-obsessed corporate execs, and our town’s greedy developers. Do I get a high grade for writing that short sentence?

Sincerely,
Trophies for All

Reminds me that “The Scarlet Letter” character Hester Prynne, after acing high-school math, exulted: “They gave me an ‘A’!”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Meanwhile, I recently received a barrage of back-to-school emails from the school district, the interim superintendent, my daughter’s school principal, and my daughter’s homeroom teacher about everything from the Genesis online school portal to bus schedules. Most of the messages were useful, so why am I feeling stressed?

Sincerely,
Inbox Influx

Your gmail account just reached 2 percent capacity, and you’re nervous I’ll send you the 10,000 photos I took this morning of my daughter boarding her school bus. Rest easy — I sent only 5,000.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
As an atheist, I’m uncomfortable relying on Genesis for information. What should I do? Continue Reading

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
You were away during Montclair’s last two Board of Education meetings, including the August 21 one. Feel guilty?

Sincerely,
Rhea Gretzivehadafew

I’ll discuss Monday’s meeting later in this column, but will apologize now for my BOE attendance being “eclipsed” by modest vacations.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Sigh — will you unoriginally devote some of this August 24 column to the major August 21 eclipse?

Sincerely,
Celeste Teeyal

When I saw that eclipse during my Massachusetts visit, the sun looked like a crescent moon. So now I’ll always wear eclipse glasses on The Crescent, a Montclair street conveniently close to several therapists I seem to need.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
On Facebook, I saw a 1932 New York Times story predicting THE EXACT DATE of this week’s eclipse — 85 years in that story’s future. How can climate-change deniers ignore the power and accuracy of science? Continue Reading