MontClairVoyant: Mixed ‘Welcome’ for Resolution Missing ‘Sanctuary City’

BY  |  Thursday, Feb 23, 2017 12:30pm  |  COMMENTS (0)


 
 


DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

With the great swap event returning to Hillside School on Feb. 25, could you swap your usual format for a multiple-choice approach this week?

Sincerely,
Come Trade Away

A) Yes.
B) No.
C) Maybe.
D) I’d show up at Hillside with young-adult books but they’re 18 years old and now adult books.
 


DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Was the Township Council’s Feb. 21 resolution saying Montclair is a “welcoming community” rather than a “sanctuary city”

A) Just right.
B) Cautious.
C) Too cautious given Donald Trump’s blunt push against undocumented immigrants.
D) An homage to Wimpy of “Popeye”?

Sincerely,
Close But No Segar
 

“BC,” because the cruel Trump is setting back the U.S. more than 2,000 years. Not easy in a 241-year-old nation that began when George Washington saw the Studio Playhouse production of “1776.”

 
DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Is that local theater’s current “Goldilocks on Trial” show:

A) Co-written by Taylor Swift and Franz Kafka.
B) Hilarious.
C) Porridge-y.
D) Well acted by a young cast that includes three bears feared by Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos?

Sincerely,
Brown Not Beige on Stage

For those who correctly chose answers B through D, DeVos is offering vouchers to see “Public Education on Trial” — a play consisting of nothing but non-rich students getting whacked by gavels. Modernist, I guess.

 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,

Did the Township Council use cautious wording in its 4-2-passed resolution because:

A) It fears losing federal money.
B) It fears losing federal dollars.
C) It fears losing federal funding.
D) It fears its thesaurus will be deported?

Sincerely,
Synonym of the Republic

There are always thesauruses online, on the Web, on the Internet, in cyberspace, in the digital realm, in —

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Shush! As mentioned at a recent Board of Education meeting, the minimal instruction time needed to achieve a decent level of proficiency in a language is:

A) 540 hours.
B) One nanosecond.
C) 327 years.
D) 327 beers?

Sincerely,
This Bud’s Asking You

Or however long it takes to peel a Mandarin orange.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Montclair’s new interim superintendent, slated to start March 17, is from:

A) Teaneck.
B) Coffeeneck.
C) Great Neck.
D) Mediocre Neck?

Sincerely,
Candice Bergen County

This is a family column, so stop the public necking or…get a room!

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
As the BOE’s Feb. 27 budget meeting nears, our school district’s 2017-18 budget may have a $6.9 million shortfall. Can our wonderful teachers and paraprofessionals be spared as much as possible?

Sincerely,
Ifs, Ands, and Cuts

Hmm…no final multiple-choice question. Perhaps it’s because Trump setting back the U.S. more than 2,000 years spurred you to trade the letters BC for AD at the Hillside swap.

 

 

 Dave Astor is the MontClairVoyant. His opinions about politics and local events are strictly his own and do not represent or reflect the views of Baristanet.

MontClairVoyant: The Snow Was Whiter Than the Spines Some Politicians Lack

BY  |  Thursday, Feb 16, 2017 1:00pm  |  COMMENTS (0)


 
 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Wintry weather closed Montclair schools Feb. 9 and caused delayed openings Feb. 10 and 13. Were white supremacists thrilled to see our wonderfully multicultural town become so white?
Sincerely,
Flake News!

Yes, after which diversity-minded residents dropped to the ground to color the snow while reading “As I Lay Dyeing.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Hmm…Faulkner-like book title in a Montclair with a Faulkner system of government. Also on Feb. 10, hardworking NJ 11th for Change members presented Rodney Frelinghuysen’s Morristown office with printouts of the petition asking the Republican congressman to host a town hall. Were 10 million of the 2,700-plus signers from Montclair?
Sincerely,
A. Rithmetic

OMG — you’ve been snorting ground-up Pearson math worksheets again.

Continue Reading

MontClairVoyant: It Would Be a Pity if We Didn’t Become A Sanctuary City

BY  |  Thursday, Feb 09, 2017 10:30am  |  COMMENTS (87)

 

 

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
This is your first column for Baristanet after writing “Montclairvoyant” for another media outlet since 2003. Why are you here?
Sincerely,
Hound of the Askervilles

Why do any of us exist? Because of God? Evolution? Cat videos? Rec-league sports? Our Neanderthal ancestors “meeting cute” at Caves “R” Us?

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
I met you at Tuesday night’s Township Council meeting, where the TC was urged to make Montclair a sanctuary city as the vile Donald Trump demonizes Muslim immigrants and refugees. Thoughts?
Sincerely,
Passion for Compassion

What a huge turnout Feb. 7! What smart, heartfelt, eloquent remarks by attendees! What a speedy…um…not so speedy vote by the TC, which might make a sanctuary decision Feb. 21. Hopefully that won’t clash with the local galas marking “Exactly Two Months of Winter Day.”

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Aren’t at least four of the seven TC members strongly for the sanctuary city idea?
Sincerely,
Quadruple’s Scruples

Yes, and a Feb. 21 vote is better than the Feb. 31 vote listed on “The Kellyanne Conway Alternative Facts Calendar,” available at not-so-fine stores everywhere.

DEAR MONTCLAIRVOYANT,
Another federal matter with local impact was the dismaying Feb. 7 approval of ultraconservative billionaire Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education, even though her only exposure to the public schools she hates was watching “Room 222” three times. Not insinuating anything, but isn’t 666 a satanic number?
Sincerely,
Nights in White Satan

Nah, it refers to the New Jersey Devils’ 334-332 win over the Rangers. Continue Reading

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The developer of the Seymour St project will install a big crosswalk between Fullerton & Willow. Unfortunately, the Township wants it in the wrong place.

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